The trouble with Email
by SG-girl
Summary: Remember back in kindergarten when you passed 'do you like me' notes under the desk when the teacher wasn't watching? This is the electronic version of that.
1. 1

_**Title: The Trouble With Email**_

_**By: Hannah**_

_**Rating: T-M**_

_**Disclaimer: Only my OC's, boys. Go sue someone else.**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH**_

I hate men! I hate men! I hate men with a vengeance! Am I completely repulsive to the male race? You're not allowed to answer that because you're gay and technically not male, but am I? He dumped me after one date and Kyle Ford is already flirting with a little whoever down in the infirmary! He, and this is a direct quote, said, "I always liked red-heads," SO WHERE EXACTLY DOES THAT LEAVE THE REST OF US BRUNETTES? I mean, get real. REDHEADS! Just ask Dr. Fraiser for a date. OMG, He WAS flirting with Doc Fraiser! My life is OVER! He's dating a woman who comes up to his belly button. Now, I'm too TALL?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Michaela 'Mikey' Benton

PS. Why the hell am I telling YOU who I am? We've been friends since, oh never mind.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: YOU HAVE A VERY LARGE MOUTH**_

Congratulations, Nurse Terrible! You've officially taken every ounce of self-esteem that our jolly green giant of a best friend had and stomped it underneath your Manolo Blahnik knockoffs. (Trust me, even Jack O'Neill could see they're knockoffs and he's about as gay as… well, I can't think of a good metaphor here, but there's one out there somewhere.)

Mikey is having a mental breakdown as we speak. Did you really feel the need to tell her about Kyle and the doc?

Harri AKA the Gay man who isn't happy with you.

PS: You'd better let her know that Fraiser kicked Sergeant Loser out of her infirmary after that comment.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov **_

_**Subject: I may have a big mouth, but you're a fruit basket**_

I was getting to that part, but Mike just freaked out on me. Honestly, the woman can handle being shot, stabbed, burned, and chased by sex-crazed aliens and she has a panic attack over some slimeball who doesn't even drink coffee, which we both know is the blood that flows through her veins.

Anyway, I just thought that she'd like to know what her dirt beneath the dirt ex-boyfriend was doing while he was supposed to be getting a physical. Don't worry, I stuck the needle in extra hard.

SO LEAVE ME ALONE, GEORGE MICHAEL!

Liska

PS: You know I love you, right? You beautiful gay man!

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: What's wrong with my assistant?**_

Look, Major, I don't routinely ask military personnel for favors, but I'm asking this time because I need an expert and you're currently my expert. Someone broke Mikey. I stuck my head in her office for 30 seconds and she managed to curse at me six times in five different languages. Fix her!

Daniel Jackson

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: You're funny**_

Fix her? Oh, that's funny, Doc. You do realize that we're not talking about a car here, even though they happen to be a hobby of mine and yours could use an overhaul.

L-T Mikey is a currently irrational female who has access to dangerous weapons and explosives. And thanks to the foresight of the United States Marine Corps, she's well trained in killing people with said weapons.

So, if you want her fixed, I suggest dropping Kyle Ford to another planet, preferably one that's Goa'uld occupied.

Harri

PS: Your turn for suggestions, Wonder-boy.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: So many men and they're all afraid of one woman**_

What do you know about Kyle Ford? Because I don't even know the man and he's currently turning my life into a living hell because he broke my assistant. You know… she's that tall brunette who's really good with foreign languages and has a gift for making murder look like an accident.

So, either you make this mess go away or I'll tell everyone about the time you got married on P4X-973 and it turned out you married a man because you were drunk.

PS: I'm not kidding!

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Stop involving me in your love triangles**_

Are you having a mental breakdown that I as your only living godparent should know about? Because Daniel won't stop threatening me until I've talked to you. So talk.

What did Kyle Ford do? Am I going to have to kill him? I will. Maybe. If I don't have to exert myself too much.

Jack

PS: How much jail time we talking here?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Shouldn't you be terrorizing someone on a planet with your P-90?**_

Look, Jack, your offer is appreciated, but I've already taken care of the issues between Kyle and me. We discussed them like adults and then I dumped grape juice over his head. It wasn't the most elegant response to him calling me 'easy' but I'm quite proud of the results.

And for the record, Teal'c, Colonel Makepeace, and Lieutenant Wyatt all tried to pound him, acting out the required chivalry from men of their positions.

Now leave me alone.

Love, Mikey

PS: Leave me alone! I have to work or else Daniel's gonna start threatening me.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Never again**_

Well, she's fixed. Sort of. At least for now. Next time? Do _me_ a favor and call Carter. She can deal with this sort of thing.

Jack

PS: I never want to hear the name Kyle Ford again. I'll kill the rat if I get my hands on him.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Gen. G Hammond- InCharge-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Behavior in the Commissary**_

It was brought to my attention that there was an incident in the commissary this morning involving a fellow marine.

Lieutenant Benton, one of the things that involved my decision to have you transferred to this facility was your ability to get along with your co-workers. You have a promising career ahead of you. Don't ruin it because of someone else's poor attitude. I expect a hand-written apology on my desk first thing in the morning.

General George Hammond

_**(&)**_

_**To: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: FREAKING AWFUL BEAUROCRACY **_

I have to apologize to that weasel-faced, disco dancing ass! In an apology that General Hammond is going to read first! Why the hell is this happening to me?

_He's_ the one who broke up with me in the middle of the FREAKING GATE ROOM!

_He's_ the one who called me EASY in front of three SUPERIOR officers!

_He's_ the one who's going to get shoved into an oncoming wormhole if he doesn't watch it!

Mikey

PS: Don't tell Jack.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Please talk to her before she actually kills someone**_

Technically, sir, you didn't hear this from me because I value my life, but General Hammond is making Mikey apologize to Kyle for that whole commissary incident.

She's down in the gym right now, beating the crap out of anyone who's dumb enough to come near the sparring mats. She already brained Major Dawson with a right hook. Believe me, I know. I was the one who gave him an ice pack and decided that he didn't need stitches.

Any aid from you, sir, would be greatly appreciated. Major Carter said she won't go near the situation unless Mikey's sedated.

Sgt. Lewis

PS: Don't actually go into the gym because I'm out of icepacks. Teal'c just got my last one.


	2. 2

_**To: Sgt. K Ford- ChicksDigIt-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: I apologize**_

Sergeant Ford, I would like to apologize for the incident in the commissary yesterday. There was no excuse for my behavior. Thank you for your understanding.

Sincerely, Lieutenant Benton

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: I really need to hit something. Care to volunteer?**_

I apologized. I was a good little girl and said all the right stuff. AAHHHH! See lots of CAPS! I'm pissed to the nth degree.

Are you going running after work? 'Cause I'll meet up with you at the park if you are. Maybe I can work off some aggression by running over old ladies and their poodles.

Mikey

PS: Do you think Teal'c will box with me? Never mind, I'll ask him myself.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Teal'c- TheFuzzyBunny-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Can I beat you up for an hour?**_

Will you spar with me in the gym?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Teal'c- TheFuzzyBunny-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None **_

I will meet you in one hour.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Your life could potentially be in danger **_

Mikey's headed your way. T gave me the heads up. I don't know if she's going to kill you, but I'll say something nice in your eulogy.

Colonel O'Neill

PS: Go to the left, she can't punch good with her left hand.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: You broke her **_

YOU BROKE MIKEY! AGAIN!

Look, Sam, I know you didn't mean to, so I'm going to give you a list of stuff not to talk about in front her.

1- _Your_ successful relationships

2- Kyle Ford

3- Any sort of movie featuring Bella Legosi

4- And finally, Kyle Ford

General Hammond made her apologize for that whole commissary thing yesterday and she's not taking it well. I have a feeling that she won't be taking it well for another hundred years.

Besides she's crying over my translations from P2X-749. Any advice on how to comfort a distraught woman who's ruining two weeks worth of work?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: You're really bad at this whole distraught woman thing, aren't you?**_

Just whatever you do, don't touch her because that's just begging to be punched, kicked or any other sort of physically violent act. If she initiates contact, pat her shoulder or something. If nothing else happens, mumble words of encouragement while discreetly rescuing your work and then lock yourself in your office.

Mikey is probably PMSing and the added emotional trauma from her recent break-up has driven her over the edge. I was in the infirmary when a parade of men marched through holding injured body parts. She's prone to throwing haymakers, so be prepared to duck.

Hope this helps!

Sam

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: TMI on the PMSing thing**_

She's working. Not quietly. She's listening to some sort of Euro-trance-club music, but at least she's working. I owe you chocolate sometime.

Daniel

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Information unavailable- Mystery-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Your goddaughter**_

Colonel O'Neill, I am very interested in your goddaughter. I can't help it. She's funny, smart, and beautiful. I've fallen in love with her. I am taking this opportunity to declare my intentions to you and hope to receive your blessing before I ask for her hand in marriage.

Sincerely, Mystery Admirer

_**(&)**_

_**To: Information Unavailable- Mystery-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: My goddaughter? Yes, she is, isn't she?**_

1. Touch my goddaughter and die

2. Think about my goddaughter and die

3. Go anywhere within a hundred feet of my goddaughter and die

4. Ask her to marry you and face a fate worse than death.

Sincerely, Colonel Jack O'Neill

PS: I know all the real good spots to hide the bodies.


	3. 3

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Information unavailable- Mystery-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Your godfather's insane, but will you go out with me?**_

Your godfather has forbidden me to speak to you and says that he'll kill me if I attempt to do so, but I have to let you know how I feel about you. I fall more in love with you every moment of every day.

You are the one I think about 24/7/365 and will continue to think about until the end of my life. Please do me the honor of having dinner with me tonight at O'Malley's in town. I await your answer.

Love, Mystery

_**(&)**_

_**To: Information Unavailable- Mystery-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

What in the hell have you been smoking?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: My love life**_

How am I going to meet anyone if you keep threatening potentials? Don't you want little great-godchildren begging Grandpa Jack to play with them? Don't worry, I don't either, but you are seriously narrowing the dating field for me. I'll tell Teal'c to sit on you if you do that again.

Mikey

_**(&)**_

_**To: Teal'c- TheFuzzyBunny-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Danger!**_

We have a Code: Psycho on Level 20. Hightail it down there and keep an eye on Mikey.

PS: Don't let Mikey pick your email address names anymore, either.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Teal'c- TheFuzzyBunny-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

What is a Code: Psycho?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Teal'c- TheFuzzyBunny-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Seriously, Danger!**_

Some idiot just emailed me and asked me if he could marry Mikey.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Teal'c-TheFuzzyBunny-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None **_

I do not understand the problem, O'Neill.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Teal'c-TheFuzzyBunny-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: None**_

Just go sit in Mikey's office and if anyone shows up with twenty carats and a dozen roses, break his nose.

_**(&)**_

"_**This is Daniel Jackson's voicemail. Leave a message and I'll- Jack, put that down- sorry, I'll get right back to you."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Spacemonkey, I need your help.

"Spacemonkey, you there?"

"What, Jack?"

"_Oh_, so you are there."

"Apparently. I answered the phone, didn't I?"

"Yeah, anyway. Some nut is running around the base trying to propose to Mikey."

"Propose what?"

"Whaddya mean, 'propose what'?"

"Well, is he proposing sex, to go out to lunch, walking in the park? What?"

"Thanks, Daniel, now I have to go scrub my brain out with bleach."

"Sorry."

"No. None of that... stuff you were talking about. This nut's trying to propose like, marriage."

"To Mikey?"

"Too terrifying to think about, huh, Spacemonkey?"

"What, someone proposing to Mikey or Mikey getting married?"

"Either one. Anyway, since her office is right across the hall from yours, then I figure you can just sort of pop in on occasion. And keep an eye out for a lunatic with a ring box."

"I'll do my best."

"Was that sarcasm?"

"I don't know, Jack, but if I don't finish these translations soon, well, tomorrow's really gonna suck when you're hanging upside down over a volcano."

"_Right_."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Your assistant's assistant AKA Your nefarious plot**_

Teal'c could be kel'noreeming right now, but instead he's sitting in my office as bored to tears as a Jaffa can get without actually crying. I don't care what Jack told you, but I don't need protecting, so let Teal'c go. He's starting to creep me out with all that strong, stoic crap. And the sighing.

Mikey

PS: I'm not kidding either. I'll play Britney Spears at full blast if you don't let him leave and then Siler and I'll figure out a way to pipe it into your office so you can never turn it off.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Naquadah decay results**_

Major Carter, I'll be arriving at the SGC tomorrow, and I'd like to meet with you to discuss the latest Naquadah test results if possible.

Please email for a convenient time.

Major Paul Davis

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Naquadah decay results**_

As long as I'm not off-world, I'm free. Oh, and just so you're forewarned: be prepared to duck. One of our best anthropologists (the only reason General Hammond hasn't court-martialed her yet) has taken to throwing punches. She has good aim too. I hear the Infirmary is out of ice packs.

Just a friendly warning, Paul.

Maj. Samantha Carter

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Pentagon coming, best behavior**_

Major Davis is coming to the SGC. He's an okay guy, sort of a stickler for the rules. Don't even think 'date' because I know that's what you're thinking (Revenge on ex-boyfriend should not take place at the expense of your career). While Davis is one of the few bureaucrats that Colonel O'Neill can actually stand, he won't take it well if you date him.

Warning. Daniel just stomped past my office looking like he's going to murder someone.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Interview with a Vampire… about Naquadah**_

Major Davis, you don't know me, but my name is Lt. Michaela Benton and I work with Dr. Jackson on translations and other archaeological things. Okay, now that this looks like an official email, are we on for football in the park on Thursday night?

Mikey AKA Secret Girlfriend and Fellow Football Aficionado

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Your killer arm**_

If Colonel O'Neill ever finds out we're dating, he's going to come unglued. No, he'll come beyond unglued, he'll implode and take half the planet with him. So let's try to avoid that, which means no dragging me down to a storage closet on Level 26. Despite the amount of fun involved in making out with you, I don't need to tell another janitor that I was giving you CPR. I still don't think he bought it.

Also, I hear you've been practicing your kickboxing moves on anyone stupid enough to piss you off. I have a feeling that Kyle Ford was on the receiving end of several of your punches. When are you going to start aiming lower?

And no, you never thanked General Hammond for giving me your email address. I have no doubt however that he'll be on the long list of people that Colonel O'Neill will murder if he ever finds out.

Talk to me later. I'll be on the plane, pretending to be reading something important as I mock your choice of football teams soundly. Colts Forever! Broncos suck!

Paul

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: It's later**_

Due to an incident with a fifty-pound cat statue, I will be unable to play football for the next hundred weeks. I have an air cast on my foot. (HALLELUJAH, IT'S NOT BROKEN!) So, how about dancing? I've tried and except for a slight problem with balance, I'm fine. Besides, you can always just hold on extra tight during the slow dances. ;)

Think it over.

Mikey

PS: The Broncos could stomp the Colts any friggin' day of the week! Broncos Forever!

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ringt5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Remind me why I love you?**_

You want to go dancing in a cast? This should be interesting. Does Colorado Springs even have a dance club?

Paul who is shaking his head in disbelief

PS: I'll take that slow dancing comment as a challenge. A very, very _interesting_ challenge.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Blushing! Really!**_

Shut up.

I have to go do real work now, unlike one of us who wears shiny shoes and walks around all day, criticizing everyone else's work. But before I do, I have a question:

Do you think I should tell Jack that we're sorta going out, but still seeing other people 'cuz we're not at the commitment phase of our relationship yet? (See the Kyle Ford incident.)

Mikey

PS: Colorado Springs does have a dance club/bar. It's called Rabbit's. The owner and I work out together. And by work-out I mean, we walk around the park until we get hungry and then we go to Subway.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: We're landing**_

You're rambling and although you're cute when you ramble, my plane is landing. Word of advice, don't tell Colonel O'Neill if you value my life. And I don't think the 'seeing other people' thing is working. We'll talk.

Paul

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Casual date**_

What does one wear on a casual date? I'm going dancing and have no idea what to wear. Yeah, that's right I'm asking for fashion advice. And no, the world isn't coming to an end.

Ideas would be great. Borrowing (LISKA) might be even better. (For that matter, borrowing from Harrison isn't a bad idea either. You still have that blue button-down that I like?)

Ooops, gotta run, Daniel's bellowing again.

Mikey

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Your translation has officially confused me**_

P3X-004

Do you expect me to believe that this planet devotes its religion to the belief that they came from the planetary equivalent of camels and have evolved into higher beings through a process that they call 'The Circle of Loathing'?

Are you even paying attention in there or are you just making it up as you go along?

Are you even doing work? I can hear the Guns'n'Roses from here.

Daniel

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Anal-retentive much?**_

1. Bite Me.

2. You drank the rest of my French Roast

3. My translations are dead on accurate. If you take into account that these people thought that SG4 were evil alien deities who would suck their souls out through their bellybuttons (kinky) just because they wore green and carried weapons, then you would understand why they have such a strange religion. Besides the language is an offshoot of Latin so it's not that difficult to figure out. I'm sure even you could do it.

4. Guns'n'Roses helps me think. Nothing starts up the synapses like 'Sweet Child of Mine.'

5. Just come across the hall and talk to me like a normal person.

Mikey

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Do we get to meet him?**_

Harri says leather cat-suit. I say those faded blue jeans of yours and Harri's blue shirt. Harri says my idea is wrong for a date, but is completely willing to go shopping for a new pair of shoes. I think he means you, not him.

Oh, no, wait, he says he needs a new pair of tennis shoes and is willing to give you a gay man's opinion on shoes. (Although, we all know about his opinion on clothes, so I wouldn't take anything he takes too heart.) I also have no idea why the hell he's so interested in leather. One too many biker movies.

SO? WHO'S MR. WONDERFUL! And how come you never mentioned him before?

Harri says to tell you that he's well versed in the art of interrogation, but I think he's referring to his tickling skills. (Finally something stereotypically gay about him.)

GTG, we're getting weird looks from Dr. Fraiser.

Liska and Super Gay-man

PS: I'd look for a comfortable pair of flats. What with the cast and all.


	4. 4

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov **_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: What are the odds?**_

Sam Carter just happened to have a date at Rabbit's! Just so you know, I'm typing calmly, but having a myocardial infarction. (That's a heart attack for those of you who are medical laymen).

OMG, I'M GOING DIE! SHE'S GOING TO TELL JACK AND THEN HE'LL KILL ME AND THEN HE'S GOING TO COME AFTER YOU! Well, actually, he'll probably go after you first AND THEN HAVE ME PUT IN A CONVENT! I SHOULD REALLY STOP TYPING IN CAPS.

I need chocolate. And some Polynesian roast. And Johnny Depp. I'm gonna go watch _Pirates of the Caribbean_.

Aaargh, matey.

Mikey

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Calm**_

You looked good last night.

Paul

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None **_

Explain.

Now.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

Hammond gave me Paul's email address five months ago after we had a little misunderstanding. He had a really cute sense of humor and before I knew it, we were dating. I mean it's NOT serious or anything, we only date when he's in town. We still see other people (Note: Kyle Ford). PLEASE DON'T TELL JACK! I'm begging you! I'll do your paperwork for the rest of my life, just don't tell Jack!

A desperate Mikey

PS: What does it mean when a guy says we'll talk about seeing other people and then says he wants to be the only one?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

Stop being pathetic. I'm not going to tell the Colonel. And why have you neglected to tell me that you've been dating one of my co-workers for the last five months? As your friend this falls under the 'tell immediately' category.

Sam

PS: It means that he's in it for the long haul.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: You can't handle the truth**_

One word: JACK. You're madly in love with him and things tend to spill out of your mouth when you're around him. I know this because I am a genius… in every sense of the word.

And don't even try and play the wounded friend card. I know all about your guilt-trips. Daniel and I don't just talk about history. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Paul.

Forgive me?

Mikey

PS: I can go back to being pathetic. I'll come down and be pathetic in your office. THE LONG HAUL! I'm not even sure about the short haul! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None **_

One question: have you slept with him?

Love, Sam

PS: You know that term 'living vicariously?'

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Brain bleach, brain bleach, I need brain bleach!**_

Leave me alone. Jack's looking for you. Talk to him.

And speaking of living vicariously? Paul just dropped in to kiss me senseless before he headed off to a meeting. They should really put those video cameras in less convenient places because now my back has a crick in it.

Mikey

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Mikey **_

Carter, would you appreciate a man who stalks you and claims to be in love with you? No, you would not. You know how I know that? Because you are a strong woman. I am appealing to your inner feminist here. Help me trace this whack-job before he does something crazy like propose to Mikey over the intercom.

Your commanding officer, Jack O'Neill

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Mikey **_

While I appreciate your attempt at political correctness, Colonel, I won't help you track down your goddaughter's stalker. Ask Siler. Just don't appeal to his inner feminist.

Carter

_**(&) **_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Mikey **_

Traitor

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Mikey**_

And damn proud of it.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: EMERGENCY!**_

I HIT A DOG! I WAS DRIVING TO WORK AND IT RAN OUT INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET! WHAT IF I KILLED IT! OMG, I'M AN ANIMAL KILLER! JACK, TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Mikey

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: STOP TYPING IN CAPS!**_

1. Stop panicking.

2. Remove the keys from the ignition because I know what you're like in an emergency.

3. For crying out loud, stop panicking. I doubt you killed it.

4. I will meet you at the animal hospital where you should be taking the dog in twenty minutes and I will tell Daniel that you're gonna be late.

5. Breathe deeply and think about something other than the dog.

6. Put your blackberry away and stop typing messages while you're driving.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Teal'c- TheFuzzyBunny-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: I need your experience and expertise**_

You have experience with frantic women. We're going on a trip. Mikey killed a dog.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Mikey's sorry excuse for a love life**_

Mikey's dating _**MAJOR PAUL DAVIS!**_ One of the other nurses was with her boyfriend at Rabbit's and saw the two of them together. _**HE KISSED HER!**_ Why didn't she tell us this?!

Liska

PS: She also said that it was kind of like watching _Dirty Dancing_ if Baby had had an air cast on.

_**(&) **_

_**To: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Mikey's sorry excuse for a love life? At least she has one**_

I think you just answered your own question there. She knew you'd freak out. If you had managed to drag your eyes off Jackson for more than two seconds, you would have realized that she was obviously going out with someone. Not that worm, Ford, either.

You know… I had a mission with SG10 the other day and I have the feeling that Kyle Ford is gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay! That may be a reason why he treated Mikey like he did. He's confused about his own sexuality.

Oh, well, I guess it's going to take a trip to Tijuana, too many tequila shots, and a night of passion with a cabana boy to make him see the light.

Harri

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Kyle Ford**_

You're just strange.


	5. 5

_**To: Teal'c- TheFuzzyBunny-at-CM-dot-gov **_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov **_

_**Subject: Can you talk?**_

It's sort of an emergency. Well, not really an emergency unless my love life and impending death counts as an emergency. So, yeah, email me back and we'll chit and chat.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Teal'c- TheFuzzyBunny-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

If it is an emergency, perhaps O'Neill would better to speak with.

Teal'c

_**(&)**_

_**To: Teal'c- TheFuzzyBunny-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Yeahhhhhhhhh, right**_

Teal'c, I'm currently dating a fellow officer and people around the base already know. Jack'll kill me if he finds out. What do I do? And don't tell me that honesty is the best policy. If I hear that from the angel sitting on my shoulder one more time, I'm gonna puke.

Mikey

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Teal'c- TheFuzzyBunny-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

If that is the case, Lieutenant, perhaps you should not listen to that angel any longer. However, I believe if O'Neill discovers that secrets have been kept from him, he will become even angrier.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Teal'c- TheFuzzyBunny-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: None**_

I hate you. You know that right?

PS: Not really.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Availability of Pentagon jobs**_

What's the likelihood that there are any jobs for a grouchy 40 something USAF Colonel at the Pentagon?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Suspicions abound**_

Good considering who's asking. Troubles with work, Colonel?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Is paranoia a Pentagon requirement?**_

You could say that. If I have to hear Lt. Benton yelling about being a dog-killer one more time, I'm gonna shoot her.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: You killed a dog?**_

Colonel O'Neill just informed me that you killed a dog. You? The Vegetarian who won't even step on a spider? You killed a dog?

You have got to be traumatized. Feel free to call or email if you're in need of counseling. Or even a snuggle.

Paul who still loves his dog-killing girlfriend

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Still loves his dog-killing girlfriend? **_

I didn't kill the dog. I just concussed it. With the bumper of my car. Shouldn't you be talking with Sammie about naquadah? And I cannot believe you just wrote the word snuggle in an email. That's kind of a mix between creepy and cute, but leaning more towards cute.

Hang on, I have a visitor.

Mikey

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi. You've reached the office of Dr. Daniel Jackson. I'm currently unavai-"**_

"Hello?"

"What the hell happened?"

"Major Davis?"

"I heard her screaming all the way up here."

"Really?"

"No, but someone called me and told me she was screaming. What happened? Did someone die?"

"Sgt. Ford is claiming that Lt. Benton threatened him in her apology email. He says he has proof. So, General Hammond doesn't have a choice but to hold a hearing."

"A hearing?"

"Yeah, and now nobody's seen Ford in three hours. The rumor is that she killed him."

"No, you would have heard her laughing maniacally over the PA if she had. God, I can't believe I'm dating this girl."

"Excuse me?"

"Uh…"

"You're dating Mikey?"

"No."

"Has anyone ever told you that you're a really bad liar, Major?"

"Yes."

"You do realize that if Jack ever finds out about this, he'll take you apart piece by piece. Then again the fact that you let it slip to me and considering her current state of mind, Mikey might do it first."

"Then let's not let her know that I let it slip."

"Problemo uno, she's your subordinate. That's a problem right there. You're a major, she's a lieutenant."

"Wow, thanks for pointing out the obvious, Doc."

"Problem two, you live in DC, she lives in Colorado Springs."

"And for telling me my address."

"There's also Jack, but I feel as though we've covered this."

"You're a pessimist, aren't you?"

"She's twenty-three. You're thirty-five. That's a twelve year difference."

"Way to make a guy feel great about himself, Doc."

"Problem five. I can't think of one, but I'm pretty sure that it exists."

"Well, thanks for the pep talk, Doc. I feel much better."

"Have a nice day, Major."

"After that?"

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: The Witness Protection Program**_

I may have possibly let it slip to Daniel that we were going out.

Paul

PS: It's illegal to kill your boyfriend.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Narf**_

Would you still love me if I moved to the South Pole and lived with the Eskimos for the rest of my life and ate whale blubber?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Narf**_

Yes. I would love you even if you moved to Antarctica and lived the Eskimos and ate whale blubber. Even though that's not possible since the Eskimos live in the North Pole, not the South.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

I'm coming to your room to cry.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Someone knows something**_

Give it up. One of you knows what's going on with Mikey and you're going to tell me or I'll have you knocked back to grunt so fast your head will spin. And Daniel, being a civilian won't help you this time.

Colonel O'Neill


	6. 6

_**Hearing Transcript to ascertain the validity of slander claims by Lt. Michaela Benton against Sgt. Kyle Ford.**_

_**General George Hammond: GH**_

_**Major Harrison Dawson: HD**_

_**Colonel Jack O'Neill: JO**_

_**Lieutenant Michaela Benton: MB**_

_**Sergeant Kyle Ford: KF**_

_**Sergeant Rose Toydal- RT**_

_**GH: **_This is a hearing to determine the validity of claims brought forward by Sergeant Kyle Ford against Lieutenant Michaela Benton.

_**MB:**_ (Unintelligible)

_**GH:**_ You have something to add, Lieutenant Benton?

_**MB:**_ Um, no, sir.

_**GH:**_ Very well. Present are Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Harrison Dawson, Lieutenant Michaela Benton, Sergeant Kyle Ford, General George Hammond, and Sergeant Rose Toydal who is keeping a transcript of the hearing.

_**JO:**_ Why am I here again, sir?

_**GH:**_ Because I asked you to be, Colonel.

_**JO:**_ Right.

_**GH:**_ Sergeant Ford, may I see the e-mail that Lieutenant Benton allegedly sent to you?

_**MB:**_ I didn't send him that e-mail.

_**GH:**_ Please wait your turn, Lieutenant.

_**MB:**_ (Unintelligible)

_**GH:**_ And you said that you received this letter via email, Sergeant?

_**KF:**_ Yes, sir.

_**MB:**_ I'd like to reiterate that I did not write that.

_**HD:**_ May I see that, General?

_**JO:**_ Is this going to take long? I have the gym scheduled with Teal'c in ten minutes.

_**HD:**_ I don't think Lt. Benton wrote this, sir.

_**GH:**_ How can you tell, Major?

_**HD:**_ Well, I can't recall the last time she wrote me an email with German curse words in it. If the lieutenant has something bad to say, she prefers it to be said in plain English, sir.

_**MB:**_ (Unintelligible)

_**JO:**_ Like that.

_**KF:**_ She wrote me that e-mail!

_**MB:**_ Oh, shut up, Kyle.

_**GH:**_ People, please restrain yourselves. This is a serious accusation. Attempt to refrain from acting like children.

_**HD:**_ She also doesn't really use phrases like 'somnambulistic, anarchistic, pretentious hobgoblin.' Actually, I don't think I've ever heard her say the word pretentious.

_**MB:**_ If I did, it would probably be in regards to the way he dresses instead of his attitude.

_**GH:**_ Lieutenant!

_**MB:**_ Sorry.

_**JO:**_ Fascinating as this is, I'd like to call my own witness.

_**GH:**_ Jack, why do you have witnesses?

_**JO:**_ Because I like to know what's really going on. Siler, get in here!

_**Enters Sergeant Nick Siler- NS **_

_**NS:**_ Here is it, Colonel.

_**GH:**_ Sergeant, what is going on here?

_**NS:**_ Colonel O'Neill had me trace the origin of the e-mail. It had been re-routed through several of the base servers, but I finally tracked it back to Kyle Ford's computer.

_**KF:**_ I did not!

_**NS:**_ I wasn't finished. And then it went to another base computer, Corporal Benjamin Lowell.

_**MB:**_ Ben? Like my assistant Ben?

_**NS:**_ He had also been routing e-mails through Sergeant Ford's computer using the name Mystery.

_**JO:**_ Well, that's two mysteries cleared up, pardon the pun. I'm going to go box now.

_**Colonel O'Neill exits**_

_**MB:**_ Okay, Kyle, I owe you an apology. I'm sorry I ever doubted you. Now, pardon me, sirs, I have to go attend to a personal matter.

_**GH:**_ Sit down, Lieutenant!

_**MB:**_ Yes, sir.

_**HD:**_ And where is Corporal Lowell?

_**NS:**_ He hasn't checked in today, sir, and He hasn't been on base since yesterday.

_**GH:**_ I want a security team sent to his house, immediately. Siler, go through every file on his computer.

_**MB:**_ Sir?

_**GH:**_ I want a security officer with Lieutenant Benton at all times until Corporal Lowell is caught.

_**MB:**_ Sir?

_**GH:**_ Someone let Colonel O'Neill know about these recent developments. I want Teal'c on the security team.

_**MB:**_ Sir?

_**GH:**_ What, Lieutenant?

_**MB:**_ I have to use the bathroom.

_**GH: **_That's, that's enough, Sergeant Toydal, you can stop recording now.

_**End of Transcript**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Didja hear?**_

Hey, I got my very own stalker. Cool, huh?

Love, Mikey

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

Are you nuts? Having a stalker isn't a good thing! If you take one step out of your office without Teal'c or someone else who is properly armed near you, I am going to come down there and stalk you myself.

Paul

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, you've reached the answering machine of Mikey Benton. I'm not answering the phone because I don't want to talk to you. **_

"_**If this is a Tele-marketer, I hope you get eaten by a herd of cannibalistic lawyers. **_

"_**If this is any of my relatives, I'm not married yet and if you don't leave me alone I'm not getting married. **_

"_**If this is my boyfriend, I'm with my other boyfriend. **_

"_**If this is the pastor from my church, sorry Pastor Phil, the Devil made me do it. **_

"_**If this is work, I died. **_

"_**If this is anyone else, please leave your name and number and one of the little voices in my head will take a message and make me call you back."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Mikey, it's Paul. Pick up. I know you're standing there staring at the phone. Pick up and I might be nicer than I will be at work tomorrow."

"No hablo ingles, Senor. No parle vous Anglais, Monsieur."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, you've reached the answering machine of Mikey Benton. I'm not answering the phone because I don't want to talk to you. **_

"_**If this is a Tele-marketer, I hope you get eaten by a herd of cannibalistic lawyers. **_

"_**If this is any of my relatives, I'm not married yet and if you don't leave me alone I'm not getting married. **_

"_**If this is my boyfriend, I'm with my other boyfriend. **_

"_**If this is the pastor from my church, sorry, Pastor Phil, the Devil made me do it.**_

"_**If this is work, I just died. **_

"_**If this is anyone else, please leave your name and number and one of the little voices in my head will take a message and make me call you back."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Mikey, answer the phone."

"I hung up on you the first time. Shouldn't that have been some indication that I don't want to talk to you?"

"I'm too stubborn. And your French accent is appalling for a language specialist."

"Paul, I have Teal'c sitting in my living room, three Air Commandos in my backyard and my godfather and my boss sitting in a car across the street. Being nice isn't really high on my list of things to be right now."

"How about dinner?"

"Are you bringing me food? Really fattening, bad for me food?"

"Veggie Supreme, extra mushrooms and olives. Oh and some guy named Derrick says to tell you hi and he hopes that you're at church on Sunday. Something about helping out in Primary?"

"Oi, I forgot I'd agreed to help out with the booger-eaters."

"Booger-eaters?"

"The Mavelli twins. They eat their boogers."

"That's a little too much information."

"Yeah, well, you realize that when you get here, Jack's gonna know something's up."

"If they have your phone bugged, then they already know something's up. Pentagon officials rarely call linguists at home at twenty-three thirty hours and then bring them pizza."

"It's that late? Huh."

"Are you drunk?"

"Pardon me?"

"This whole 'Colonel O'Neill realizing we're dating' thing isn't bothering you as much as I thought it would."

"Teal'c taught me how to kel'noreem. I feel very peacefu- Oh, you stupid SOB, you're supposed to throw to the open man! The other team is not an open man!"

"Yeah, you're calm alright. What the hell is a football game doing on so late?"

"I taped it and Plummer went a little too long. Like twenty feet too long."

"_Okay_."

"Hey, just because your taste in football teams sucks, Paul, doesn't mean you can take that tone of voice about my team."

"The Colts do not suck!"

"They only have one thing going for them."

"And what would that be?"

"Peyton Manning's cute."

"You're such a girl."

"Thank you for noticing."

"Yeah, anyway, I'm here."

"Teal'c, the pizza boy's here."

"Pizza boy? Maybe I'll eat this whole thing by myself."

"No, because you hate mushrooms and you'd have to spend all night picking them off the pizza."

"Shut up."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Hi**_

Hi, it's your girlfriend. You know, the one sitting on the other side of the immovable hunk of Jaffa. Just thought I'd drop you a line.

Love, Mikey

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Cute**_

Our blackberries are for work. And he wouldn't be sitting in between us if you hadn't answered the phone 'Michaela's Sex Den' when your godfather called.

Paul

PS: Or if you'd told your godfather that we were about to go play with whipped cream.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: I'm disowning you**_

Whatever you told Teal'c is seriously cutting down on boyfriend snuggle time. He has to fly back to Washington in a couple of days and I've gotten one hello kiss from him.

I am not playing 'Pass the kiss' with Teal'c. Make him move.

NOW

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

Davis? Davis!? You have to be dating Davis? He's my mortal enemy! Okay, so he's not, but the people he works for are.

See, if you dated Walter, I wouldn't have a problem.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Die**_

Walter treats me like I have the plague. It may be from the time you started that rumor that I had an extremely contagious disease. BTW, Irishnosis doesn't exist. Thanks for the slam at my heritage though.

I am two seconds away from throwing Teal'c into the street. Let me sit next to Paul.

Mikey

PS: You do know that Teal'c can't sleep between the two of us tonight, right?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None **_

No, you can't and yes, he can.


	7. 7

"_**Hi, you've reached the answering machine of Mikey Benton. I'm not answering the phone because I don't want to talk to you.**_

"_**If this is a Tele-marketer, I hope you get eaten by a herd of cannibalistic lawyers. **_

"_**If this is any of my relatives, I'm not married yet and if you don't leave me alone I'm not getting married. **_

"_**If this is my boyfriend, I'm with my other boyfriend. **_

"_**If this is the pastor from my church, sorry Pastor Phil, the Devil made me do it.**_

"_**If this is work, I died.**_

"_**If this is anyone else, please leave your name and number and one of the little voices in my head**__**will take a message and make me call you back."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Miiii-kkkkey, where are you?"

"Miiii-kkkey. Answer the phone, Michaela."

"Ben?"

"How'd you guess?"

"Because I don't know any other idiot who'd call me at three in the morning and risk my wrath by calling me Michaela."

"Idiot?"

"Uh-huh. Speaking of which, you know you're completely screwed, right? Siler found everything on your computer and Team 9 is tracking you down."

"I'm invincible!"

"Quoting lines from my favorite movie is not going to help you out of this one, _moron_."

"Ah, name-calling. A sure sign of your affection for me."

"What? This isn't third grade, Ben."

"Simpler times."

"Listen to me, Corporal. Do you hear that edge to my voice? Well, that would be because I'm pissed that you woke me up in the middle of the night and- No, Paul. Give that back!"

"Ben?"

"Major Davisssssssssssssssss."

"Are you hissing at me?"

"_Paul, give me back the phone_!"

"Mess with my girlfriend and I'll kill you."

_**-CLICK- **_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Shopping**_

Teal'c said he'll eat whatever, the commandos are freakishly content with their MRE's, and Daniel and Jack have ordered pizza. What do you want for dinner?

PS: I'm asking purely out of courtesy. I'm still mad at you for last night.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

We're standing right next to each other. Isn't this a little childish? And in answer to your question, I'd like something that isn't tofu.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None **_

You probably don't want to hear from me right now, but how do you deal with her when she's standing right beside you and the only way that she'll talk to you is through her blackberry?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None **_

I'm not your biggest fan right now, Davis, but when she acts like that, I usually smack her up the back of the head.

Might not work for you. She just passed her level four combat training.

Have fun

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Catch-up**_

1) I have a stalker

2) Paul and I are fighting. Well, more I'm yelling and he's ignoring me while watching a baseball game.

3) Jack keeps asking what you're doing.

4) I'm bored

5) Teal'c watches way too much TV.

Love, Mikey

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Oi**_

I go off world. I encounter dangerous aliens. I get shot at, and somehow your life is still more exciting than mine is.

If I take you shopping, will you stop whining?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Yayy!**_

Please and Thank You.

Mikey


	8. 8

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

What did you do to her? Every time I hear your name there's an expletive after it. Mother's with young children keep giving her evil looks and we're not even in the mall yet. Tell me what happened so I can fix her.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Nothing**_

I didn't _do_ anything. She's pissed because I didn't let her talk to Ben when he called last night. And I really don't think there's any possible way to fix her. Stronger men than I have tried.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Speaking**_

Sir, it's probably not my place, but Mikey is an occasional part of SG1. So, if you could just talk to her? Even though I know Major Davis isn't your favorite person in the whole world. We're not exactly having the best time shopping.

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, you've reached the answering machine of Mikey Benton. I'm not answering the phone because I don't want to talk to you.**_

"_**If this is a Tele-marketer, I hope you get eaten by a herd of cannibalistic lawyers. **_

"_**If this is any of my relatives, I'm not married yet and if you don't leave me alone, then I'm not getting married. **_

"_**If this is my boyfriend, I'm with my other boyfriend. **_

"_**If this is the pastor from my church, sorry, Pastor Phil, the Devil made me do it.**_

"_**If this is work, I died. **_

"_**If this anyone else, please leave your name and number and one of the little voices in my head will take a message and make me call you back." **_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Fond as I am of you, pick up the damn phone."

"How did you know I was home?"

"Your car is in the driveway, and I'm sitting in a surveillance van across the street watching you eat peanut butter out of the jar with your fingers. The deduction really wasn't that hard to make, Shrimps."

"You haven't called me that since I was five."

"At the moment, you deserve it."

"Goodbye, Jack."

"Don't hang up on…"

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: HELP**_

There's a spider on the floor.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Yeah, you need help all right**_

So, take a slipper and kill it.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Yeah, you need help all right**_

I don't wanna kill it. I want you to kill it. If I kill it, I'll be haunted by its dying screams for the next few weeks. And anyway, this is my way of saying I'm sorry. You save me, I kiss you. We're even.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Your hinky view of the world **_

Fairy tales do not end with 'And he saved her by squishing the giant spider and they lived happily ever after with her godfather watching them on security cameras.'

Still, I'll be there in five minutes. Can you wait that long?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Hurry**_

It's walking towards me. There's murder in its beady little eyes. And it has a lot of beady little eyes, so that's a lot of murder.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Freak**_

God, I can't believe I love you.


	9. 9

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Blaaahhhh**_

Wanna watch a movie? I'm bored. Paul ditched me after playing 'Knight in Shining Armor.' I had to scrub spider guts off my bathroom floor, but other than that, it was pretty cute.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Bloo**_

Does it have Johnny Depp in it? Because I could really use Johnny Depp right now.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Crazy/beautiful**_

It could. Are you having trouble with Jesse? Do I have to hunt his little metro/homo-sexual ass down and mess up his frosted tips?

Because you know I will. I will kill him. I'll take him out like last weeks garbage. Well, in order to preserve national security and my job, I'd at least kick him in the shins until he cries like a little girl.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Couldja Wouldja**_

Apparently, Jesse and I have no chance of a future together. At all. Which is really weird because we've been out a grand total of three times. That was what he told me. Anyway, he's already hooked up with someone else. So, I'm kind of alone.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Oh, you betcha I could**_

Hooked up with someone other than you?! What is he crazy!? I don't know how many times I've told you that if you were straight I'd marry you.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Oh, good, that's nice to know**_

I think Paul would have something to say about that. Anyway, I'll keep you around as a back-up plan.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Whoo-hooo**_

I feel so freakin' loved. You comin' over?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Love you Lots**_

You better have lots of beer.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Is this going to take long?**_

Sir, I don't really understand why you wanted me out here on this stakeout. Mikey's just sitting on the couch, watching a movie with Major Dawson.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Naïve **_

Exactly. The other night it was Major Davis, now it's Major Dawson. He's shifty.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Sir?**_

Major Dawson?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Sir?**_

Isn't he sitting just a little too close?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-Cm-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Sir?**_

We are talking about Major Dawson, right?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Sir?**_

Why? Are there any other men I should know about on Mikey's couch?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-Cm-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Sir?**_

Sir, you're paranoid.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Sir?**_

Thank you for noticing that, Carter. Just keep an eye on them.


	10. 10

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Closet**_

Your godfather doesn't know that I swing his way. How can he not know that? Everyone knows that! What happens when he finds out?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Closet**_

Calm the heck down! Geez, you are a scary, scary gay man. Look, if he doesn't know then, well, I don't know, but he doesn't know. Isn't there a hot line that you can call for this?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Closet**_

You failed that sensitivity training seminar, didn't you?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Loser**_

Shut up.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Loser times 2**_

No, you shut up.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Major H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Loser, dumb-dumb head**_

No, you shut up times two.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

Will you two knock it off? Meetings aren't exactly the optimum time to be messaging each other. It's not like people don't know what you two are doing. The snickering is sort of giving it away.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Hah-hah**_

Are you gonna make me? sihusdhioewwehsedfhoihoho8wefo8g

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

Did you just kick her?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Maybe**_

You could tell?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Yeah**_

She only makes that sound when she's suffered painful physical contact.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Gen. G Hammond- InCharge-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

The next Blackberry that I hear making any kind of noise is going to be taken away and shoved in the back of one of my desk drawers. Do I make myself clear?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None **_

Is it just me or is he unusually grouchy today?

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, you've reached the answering machine of Mikey Benton. I'm not answering the phone because I don't want to talk to you.**_

"_**If this is a Telemarketer, I hope that you get eaten by a herd of cannibalistic lawyers.**_

"_**If this is any of my relatives, I'm not married yet and if you don't leave me alone, I'm not getting married. **_

"_**If this is my boyfriend, I'm with my other boyfriend. **_

"_**If this is the pastor from my church, sorry, Pastor Phil the Devil made me do it.**_

"_**If this is work, I died. **_

"_**If this is anyone else, please leave your name and number and one of the little voices in my head will take a message and make me call you back."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Miss Benton, this is Waggin' Tails Veterinary Clinic. The dog that you brought in is ready for pickup. The doctor will explain medication and care procedures when you come to pick her up. Have a nice day."

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Request, but not really**_

Since Mikey is trying to annoy General Hammond into giving back her Blackberry, she asked me to ask you to pick up the dog. More like demanded.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Huh?**_

What dog?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Huh?**_

She ran a dog over. It's at the vets in town. You've been assigned pick-up duty.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Uh……**_

I'm allergic to dogs.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: This is Mikey**_

TOO BAD. Suck it up and be a man. I'm sure it doesn't bite too hard.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Guess what**_

Pull pick-up duty on Mikey's vehicular assault victim and I'll do something nice for you.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

As in? Because that could be taken a couple of ways and all of them are dirty.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Mind in the gutter.**_

As in… geez, come up with something and I'll do it. And it better not be dirty, because you're not my type.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Hee-hee**_

You may regret that.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Help**_

Do I get wet food or dry? And how many dog toys do you think is too many? I heard that rawhide was bad for dogs.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: You ask for help a lot recently**_

Get it some of each. How should I know? I have a fish.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: That's because I need it**_

You have a fish? I like fish. Except for sharks. Those, I don't like. But I'm gonna go now, because I'm rambling.

Love ya.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: No Argument Here**_

You're not going to get her anything that squeaks are you?


	11. 11

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Recall, do you?**_

Remember that shopping trip we went on that got completely shafted because someone tried to get me fired and is now stalking me because he's completely psycho? Oh, and because I was in a really, really bad mood?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Recall, I do**_

Yeah?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Recall, I bet you don't**_

We should try again after Paul and I get back from Washington.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Recall, I can kick your ass**_

What are you doing in Washington? Wait, never mind, I don't wanna know. Unless it has something to do with politics or international intrigue, I don't want to know.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Recall, I kicked your ass last time we recalled something**_

So much for wanting to live vicariously through me. Anyway, Daniel was supposed to give a lecture at the Pentagon, but he got lazy and I'm being forced to do it instead, so I'm staying with Paul for the weekend.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Recall, I took you down with me, I did**_

Hmm. A weekend in Washington with your boyfriend. How did you get so lucky?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Recall, we were both in the Infirmary and that cute male nurse was on duty**_

Well, I have really good karma and Daniel. It all equals out in the end.

_**(&)**_

"_**Message. Leave one or hang up."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Wow, you really are anal retentive, aren't you, Jack? Anyway, this is Mikey. You know, your one and only gorgeous goddaughter. So, do you think if I take my cell-phone on my next _trip_ with me that I'll get service? Are you there?"

"Mikey, stop harassing your godfather."

"Are you on the other line, Paul?"

"No, I'm a voice in your head."

"That explains a lot."

"You do realize that it's currently oh-three-hundred thirty in Colorado."

"So?"

"In the morning."

"Oh."

"Yeah, so Colonel O'Neill's probably staring at the answering machine. wishing death and destruction on you because you woke him up in the middle of the night to tell him meaningless things."

"Paul, a discussion of phone coverage is not a meaningless thing. Sadly, I fear you will learn this lesson the hard way."

"OW!"

"Told ya so."

"Did you just throw a shoe at me?"

"And then I melted into the shadows like the crack operative I am. You'll never find me."

"You're on the cordless in the bathroom."

"Okay, so I'm not that great of a Black-Ops type person."

"I'm hanging up."

"I locked the bathroom door and you're not gettin' in here."

"Like that's going to stop me. It's my house."

_**-CLICK-**_

"Okay, Jack, sadly, I must go fight for my life. Love ya, see ya when I get back from Washington."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: I know now**_

I can see why you passed this job off to me. Some old guy fell asleep during my speech. I know a lecture on Ancient terraforming machines aren't exactly the most interesting thing on the planet, but come on. I even wore a short skirt! They should have paid me some sort of attention, even if it was just to gawk at my gams.

Do you wear short skirts when you give presentations? I've found that flashing a bit of leg helps keep your audience at rapt attention.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Your lack of skill**_

The guy who fell asleep was Dr. Reynolds. He's somnambulistic, so don't be offended.

And in regards to your other question, no, I try to avoid wearing short skirts when I give lectures. My _gams_ aren't as great as yours.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: LEGS**_

I don't know. There's a running debate about your _gams_ around base. Apparently, the night shift girls think they're scrawny and the day-shift nurses think they're just right. Personally, I think you could stand to do a few more lunges.

But thanks for the compliment on my gams. It's always nice to know that your boss has the hots for you.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: When you get back…**_

You've been assigned to SG5 for a routine surveillance of some ruins. Have fun!

PS: I do NOT have the hots for you.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: NOOOOOO!**_

THEY'RE ALL MOUTH-BREATHERS! DON'T MAKE ME GO WITH THEM! I'LL STOP PICKING ON YOU.

PS: Have you seen me? How can you not have the hots for me? Especially when I fall asleep at my desk and drool all over my paperwork and my hair gets tangled in my pencil sharpener and you have to come rescue me.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Sorry…**_

All schedule changes are final.

PS: Maybe a little hots for you. But just a little.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. Daniel Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

Bastard

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. Daniel Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

And you know it.


	12. 12

"Okay, this is the, uh, verbal journal of Lieutenant Mike Benton. It's my, uhh, third, oh, no, _third and a half_ hour here on P9Z-592. I have yet to completely view the ruins because well, SG5 here is under the misguided impression that I can't handle myself, even though I'm perfectly capable of saving my own ass should my ass need saving. Hey, hey, give that back!"

"Aloha, campers, this is Colonel Ike Grant and I have just hijacked Lt. Benton's recorder. Me an' the boys are frankly bored to death sittin' around her watchin' her hem and haw at a bunch of rocks, so Hoyt would like to report his own scientific findings."

"This is Sergeant Alex Hoyt. It's a bunch of rocks that might have been a building at some point. And they're not interesting rocks. They're just rocks. So to pass the time, me an' the team have been conducting a little psychological study on Lt. Benton. Here are our findings. Uh, the subject is extremely hostile when confronted with the realization that she isn't perfect. She also tends to react violently if you take her recorder away and sit on her."

"Hey, Hoyt! Sounds like the freakin' pot's callin' the freakin' kettle friggin' black! Mendolson, get the hell offa me!"

"And the subject has just proven our point."

"_The subject _is going to lay you out flat if you call her 'the subject' again."

"You're gonna make Mendolson cry if you keep hitting him like that, Benton."

"Oh, shut up, Hoyt."

"These results are off the chart."

"Hoyt, I'm gonna kill you and since I'm related to Jack, I'll get away with it."

"Hey, King, you got a comment as to the mental state of our subject?"

"No, but there's some guy standing next to the trees over there, waving a pitchfork at us."

"What? Whoa, where the hell did all those guys come from?"

"Hey, boys, I think it's time to start running."

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: i NEED **__**ICE CREAM!**_

I got stabbed. Just in case you haven't heard, yeah, I got stabbed. As in someone inserted something sharp into my abdomen. To add insult to injury, it was a pitchfork. I got stabbed in the stomach with a friggin' pitchfork. How's that for completely un-mundane?

A pitchfork!

I ask you, who the hell stabs someone with a pitchfork? Anyway, it's not really that bad, I mean, I'm still alive and it doesn't look like I'll be dying anytime soon. Yeah, so I just thought you might wanna know why I'm not home or in my office or in the commissary or anywhere else on base for that matter. I'm actually in the infirmary in an Iso room. Dr. Fraiser won't let me watch TV either and Daniel brought me paperwork. It really sucks. Bye.

Your disgruntled girlfriend,

Mikey

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: My godfather and no, not like the movie**_

Sam, in case you haven't heard, I was recently impaled on a farming implement. This means that Jack's out a date to the family reunion in Denver this weekend. I told him that you'd go with him. So, have you ever seen him blush? 'Cause it's really cute.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: ARE YOU INSANE?**_

I can't go to a family reunion with Colonel O'Neill. There are rules about this. Rules that end with me being court-martialed and serving jail time.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Detours**_

So? I'm dating Paul. Okay, sure, he's Air Force and I'm a Marine, but we're still dating! You'll be fine, but watch out for Uncle Stuart. He's a little frisky.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Detours**_

You are insane. Totally insane!

_**(&)**_

_**To: Teal'c- Teal'c-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: The Establishment of My Living Room**_

So, how about the movies? Say on Saturday? Say, you and me? Doc Fraiser says I'll be okay to go home and sit on the couch for a few weeks. I'm thinking we need a chick flick, action, horror, a western, and a musical. I think you'd enjoy _My Fair Lady_.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Teal'c- Teal'c-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None **_

What is a chick flick?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Teal'c- Teal'c-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

It's a movie that guys only watch because their girlfriend's make them.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Teal'c- Teal'c-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

I see.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Teal'c- Teal'c-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

Liar. You have no idea what I'm talking about.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: YESSSSSSSSSSSS!**_

I did it! I got out of the family reunion AND I got Sam, well, sort of got her, to go with Jack for the weekend. I think. I'm fairly certain. Pretty sure. Maybe I should call her again, but anyway, I'm pretty sure that I've got her right where I want her.

PS: You can steal drugs from the infirmary, right? Just in case I have to drug her to get her in the car?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: What did you do?**_

Nice job. BTW, Janet said that Daniel is completely morose and moping around his office. I guess you have more of an impact on him that you thought.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

Just so you know, pretending to stock the supply cabinet while typing messages on your Blackberry isn't fooling anyone.

And Daniel's just moping because he has to do all my translations.

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, you've reached the voicemail of the one and the only Lt. Michaela Benton. Leave a message. Oh, and your number, that would help. Oh, and your name."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"YOU GOT STABBED!? And emailing me was going to make this better how? God, I wonder if all that time inhaling dust from all those artifacts has finally fried your brain. If I wasn't in Washington, so help me God, I'd turn you over my knee."


	13. 13

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

I changed my mind, kid. I can't take Carter to the reunion. There'll be questions, it'll be awkward and Stuart will propose. Just all sorts of bad things. I can't take her.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: I'm Calling BS**_

Don't even tell me you're thinking about not taking Sam. I don't give a damn how injured I am, I will get up, come down to your office, and kick you until you're bleeding internally.

Please take notice of the following reasons (If you know what's good for you, you'll agree with them):

1: I know that you're too much of a pansy-ass to face the entire family without someone watching your back. Be it me or Sam.

2: You like spending time with her and having her there while Uncle Greg tries to do his 'yank-the-table-cloth-off-the-table-and-break-every-piece-of-Aunt-Mary's-good-china,' will make the situation even more humorous.

3: You're madly in love with her. If I have to elaborate on that, I really am going to kick you until you're bleeding internally.

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, you've reached the answering machine of Mikey Benton. I'm not answering the phone because I don't want to talk to you.**_

"_**If this is a Tele-marketer, I hope you get eaten by a herd of cannibalistic lawyers.**_

"_**If this is any of my relatives, I'm not married yet and if you don't leave me alone I'm not getting married.**_

"_**If this is my boyfriend, I'm with my other boyfriend.**_

"_**If this is the pastor from my church, sorry, pastor Phil, the Devil made me do it.**_

"_**If this is work, I died.**_

"_**If this is anyone else, please leave your name and number and one of the little voices in my head will take a message and make me call you back. Have a nice day."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Mikey, pick up the phone. Colonel O'Neill told me where you are and with a puncture wound through your pancreas, you're definitely not out back doing yard work.

"Look, Ben was spotted at a gas station in town. He could be anywhere, so just keep your doors locked and stay away from the windows. He's considered armed and dangerous, but mostly it's the armed part you should be worried about."

"Paul, what on Earth makes you think that Ben would shoot me? Last time I checked, he was madly in love with me. That usually means there will be no shooting of me."

"Is that what it takes to make you pick up the phone? Bad news? Hell, I'll tell you the world just exploded if you'll quit scaring me like that."

"Like what?"

"Not answering the phone."

"I was coming. I was just moving slowly because, well, I have a huge hole in my gut."

"And whose fault would that be?"

"That would be the guy who stabbed me."

"You have an answer for everything, don't you?"

"Yeah, pretty much. It's the O'Neill in me."

"Okay, I'm gonna try not to think too much about that when I'm kissing you."

"What, that I'm related to Jack? What's so wrong with being related to Jack? I thought you liked him."

"Yeah, I do, but that doesn't mean I want to date the female version of him."

"Wait, let me get this straight. You think I'm the female version of Jack?"

"In certain aspects, yes."

"Which ones?"

"If I answer, is this going to turn into one of those conversations where you have a melt-down when I present you with reality?"

"Only if I don't like reality. Now, which parts of me are like Jack?"

"The sarcasm."

"Well, duh. He raised me."

"Your love of P-90's."

"I actually prefer the M5 now. Less of a kick."

"Fine. Your general love of weapons, then."

"Okay, I'll give you that. Huuu-aaaahhh."

"Have I ever mentioned that you're cute when you yawn?"

"Yeah, I'm… not cute. Ever."

"In your opinion, maybe."

"Trust me on this. No one and I repeat, no one thinks I'm cute. An intimidating, She-Hulk of a bitch? Sure. Cute? No, definitely not."

"Intimidating? You think you're intimidating?"

"I'm five foot eleven. I'm one inch away from being qualified to play in the WNBA!"

"You suck at basketball."

"I know, but they'd probably just draft me for height alone."

"Babe, you play hockey. Which, by the way, is another O'Neill-ism."

"O'Neill-ism? You're naming Jack's quirks now?"

"Well, annoying habits seemed a bit harsh."

"Anyway, back to feeling sorry for myself."

"I don't feel sorry for you."

"Yeah, well, you're not a PMSing Amazon."

"Thank God for that."

"Jerk."

"Yeah, so hold on a second."

"Ho-hum, ba-dum. La-de-da-de-da. Cripes, I need to get out more. Ah, and there's the doorbell. Let us see.

"Oh, shit! Paul! PAUL, where the hell are you! He's HERE! He's got a key! I'm in big…"

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, you've reached the answering machine of Mikey Benton. I'm not answering the phone because I don't want to talk to you.**_

"_**If this is a Tele-marketer, I hope you get eaten by a herd of cannibalistic lawyers.**_

"_**If this is any of my relatives, I'm not married yet and if you don't leave me alone I'm not getting married.**_

"_**If this is my boyfriend, I'm with my other boyfriend.**_

"_**If this is the pastor from my church, sorry, pastor Phil, the Devil made me do it.**_

"_**If this is work, I died.**_

"_**If this is anyone else, please leave your name and number and one of the little voices in my head will take a message and make me call you back. Have a nice day."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Mikey, you hung up on me. C'mon, I wasn't gone that long. Pick up the phone, babe."

"Oh, sorry, Paul, Jack's here. With Teal'c and Daniel and they have beer and chips. We're going to watch the Pats game."

"At least you're not lying on the floor bleeding to death. Talk to you later."

"Oh you better believe it. Love you."

"Oddly enough I love you too."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: My luck**_

I'm writing this to make you insanely jealous. I have Jack, Teal'c and Daniel all sitting in my living room and Jack's giving me a foot massage. There was something else, but I completely spaced on what it was.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov **_

_**Subject: None**_

Bitch

_**(&)**_

_**To: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: We hate her**_

Why does Mikey have gorgeous men showing up at her doorstep at all hours of the night and I end up getting stood up? There's something karmic happening here. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's not in favor of me either.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-Cm-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: No, we really don't hate her**_

Trust me, you gorgeous animal, if Daniel Jackson was gay, he'd be showing up at your doorstep at all hours of the night. As it is, I can show up in fifteen minutes with _Ten Things I Hate About You _and a six pack.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

I wish you were a gay man.


	14. 14

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: HAVE YOU SEEN HIM!?**_

A new marine just transferred onto SG6. He's almost as gorgeous as your godfather.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: NO! I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM!**_

I don't know about that. My godfather is a very handsome man.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: YOU SHOULD TOTALLY SEE HIM!**_

Trust me. This guy makes Jack look like Alfalfa from the Little Rascals. And that's really hard to do.

Rumor has it (and by rumor I mean that I've been listening to locker room scuttlebutt) that this new marine left his posting in Washington because of a romantic conflict with his male superior officer/lover. I'll let your imagination fill in the blanks.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Wow**_

Male superior officer/lover? Good for you! Ask him out already! You had a crappy boyfriend and apparently he did too. Drinking would be a good place to start. Lower those inhibitions.

Me? Well, I have to go take a pain pill because apparently having a farming implement shoved into your stomach hurts. A lot. Have fun.

_**(&)**_

"_**You've reached Colonel O'Neill's voicemail. Leave a message and I'll try and take a break from saving the world to get back to you." **_

_**-BEEP-**_

"C'mon, I know you're there. I called Daniel and he said you were there, so you have to be there, so be there and answer the phone.

"Jack? I know you're there. Pick it up. Aaahhh, I work my mind-mojo on you. Pick up ze phone.

"Hmmm, he doesn't pick up the phone. I see further mental duress will have to occur. THAT HONKEY-TONK BADONKADONK! WELL, OOO-EEEE, SHUT MY MOUTH, SLAP YOUR GRANDMA. THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW GET THE SHERRIF ON THE PHONE. LORD HAVE MERCY…"

"FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED, STOP!"

"Hi."

"Michaela Nicole Benton, are you drunk?"

"Hee-hee, no."

"Are you planning on getting drunk?"

"I can't because I'm on that little green thing."

"What?"

"I think it's that little green thing that starts with a P."

"Peas?"

"No, silly. You can't take vegbles for pills."

"Percocet?"

"Yes, I am on this thing called Percocet. That is the little green thing with a P that I am on. Percocet. Funny name, Haaa…."

"Mikey, I love you, really, so don't take this the wrong way, but I want you to hang up the phone, go into your bedroom, and don't answer the phone unless it's someone with a really high security clearance."

"Shhhh, you're ruining the moment."

"We're having a moment?"

"No, there's a fly sitting on the receiver. We're having a moment."

"Mikey, I want you to think very carefully. How many Percocet have you had?"

"Heee……"

"Mikey."

"I like this stuff. What is it?"

"What stuff?"

"The stuff in my cup."

"Stuff in your cup? What stuff in your cup?"

"Teal'c gave it to me. He's nice. I like Teal'c."

"Teal'c's there right now?"

"Um, yyyeee-no."

"Well, where is he?"

"I don't know."

"Did he say where he was going? Think really hard, Mikey."

"Store."

"The store? Teal'c's at the store?"

"I wanted tuna."

"You wanted tuna?"

"Or maybe it was tofu. I can't mem…"

"Mikey?"

"Mikey?"

"Zzzzzz….."

"Great, kid, fall asleep."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

"_**This is the voice mail of Dr. Janet Fraiser. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Doc, it's Colonel O'Neill. Um, I was just calling to ask you a question about Mikey's pain medicine. Anyway, she said she only had one, but she sounded like she took the whole bottle. Just thought you should check into that."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

"_**HI, this is Paul's house. I'm his girlfriend, Mikey and I've taken it upon myself to create an answering machine message for him because he's too lazy to make one of his own.**_

"_**Yeah, so, I was thinking I'd do something clever and witty, but he's glaring at me from across the living room so I'll just say leave your name and number and he'll call you back. You know, that is completely unoriginal, Paul."**_

"_**I don't care. It's not like I'm ever home to answer my messages." **_

"_**Paul."**_

"_**No."**_

"_**At least let me sing the Star Spangled Banner in Latin. I'll just do the first little bit."**_

"_**You can sing the Star Spangled Banner in Latin?"**_

"_**Yeah, can't you?"**_

"_**Not in Latin."**_

"_**Does that mean you'll let me do it?"**_

"_**No, that doesn't mean I'll let you do it." **_

"_**Oh, look! We're recording."**_

"_**What?"**_

"_**Guess I'll just have to save this."**_

"_**Like hell you're…"**_

"_**AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"**_

**-BEEP-**

"After hearing that masterpiece of answering machine art, I'm not sure if my message …"

"Colonel?"

"Davis, you're actually home?"

"Just got out of the shower. I can always tell when someone calls because Mikey screams and I know I have a message."

"…"

"Colonel?"

"Sorry, spaced out there for a minute, Davis."

"That's okay. Uh…"

"Oh, right, my message. You're coming to Colorado Springs for a few days, aren't you?"

"Yes, sir. Debriefing SG9 on the ruins they found."

"Good, I want you to stay with Mikey."

"I-I'm sorry, sir?"

"Don't think I stuttered, Davis. I said, I want you to stay with Mikey."

"Sir, I was under the impression that you weren't pleased with our relationship."

"Yours and mine. Davis?"

"Uh, no. Mine and Mikey's."

"Well, I wasn't, but she's taking Percocet and I'm thinkin' you might come in handy."

"Sir?"

"She called me four times last night singing Aerosmith songs. Teal'c was there, but he kept having to go to the store because she wanted tuna. I need someone who can stand to be around her to keep an eye on her. They still haven't caught Lowell."

"I know, sir, and I'll do my best to keep her in line."

"In line? Davis, all I'm asking is that you don't let her go outside and play in traffic. Mikey doesn't handle medication very well."

"I've noticed."

"Yeah."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Request**_

Carter, you know how I always ask you to go fishing with me and you always have a machine to work on or the Asgard kidnap me or something like that?

Well, I have a request that doesn't involve fishing and hopefully the Asgard will keep their little grey butts out of it.

My family reunion is this weekend in Denver. Mikey was supposed to be my date, but that plan's shot because she's lying on her couch singing country songs to her dog.

Will you go with me?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Request**_

So I'm the backup plan? Gee, thanks.

Just kidding. Your family reunion sounds fun, especially the way Mikey described it.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Request**_

Whatever she said is a lie. Well, almost all of it. At least anything involving pudding is a lie. Well, mostly.

My sister has a big house just outside of town and that's where we'll be staying. So pack clothes, I guess. We'll leave Friday after work.

Oh, and just to warn you. Uncle Stuart may try and hug you. AVOID CONTACT! I REPEAT! AVOID CONTACT.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Request**_

Pudding?


	15. 15

_**To: Detective Greg Farrell- DetectiveFarrell-at-DenverPD-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Reunion**_

Jack's bringing a date to the reunion and you will not, I repeat, will not interrogate, interview or back her into the corner underneath the staircase and threaten her in any way. Trust me, I'll be there and I'll throw you in the pool again.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Detective Greg Farrell- DetectiveFarrell-at-DenverPD-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Re: Reunion**_

Okay, telling me to behave is like waving a red flag. Still, I guess I can be nicer to this one that I was to the last one. She was a bitch.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Detective Greg Farrell- DetectiveFarrell-at-DenverPD-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Reunion**_

Bitch is an understatement. I have no idea where he dug her up. I'm thinking that he hired her so the family would lay off. Do you remember how she freaked out when Jeff called her 'Aunt Marcy?' I have never seen a woman leap for the Valium so fast.

So anyway, this date that Jack's bringing is a woman from base. Her name's Major Sam Carter and as a woman completely secure in her sexuality, I can say with absolute certainty that she's gorgeous. She's an Air Force pilot/astrophysicist and she can kick your butt at Scrabble and just about everything else so don't even think about challenging her.

Okay, that's about it. And just to warn you in advance, I'm bringing a date. I'd like to point out that along with staying away from Jack's date, you better stay the heck away from mine. The last guy I brought is still in therapy over that last thing you idiots pulled.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Max Farrell- Maxamillion-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Kevin Farrell- Kevver-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Alex Farrell- AlexInTights-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Lily Powell- LilyOfTheOffice-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Wyatt Powell- WiredWyatt-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Eric Farrell- EricLikesIceCream-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Frank Farrell- FranksandBeans-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Detective Greg Farrell- DetectiveFarrell-at-DenverPD-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Mikey and Jack**_

Jack's bringing a date to the reunion and we're all under strict instruction from Mikey not to interrogate her in any way. Apparently, she can kick our asses. All at once.

Mikey, however, is another problem. She's bringing her own date.

That's right, she's planning on coming. Jack told me that she'd been injured on the job, but apparently, that's not going to stop her and she's coming anyway, complete with a man in tow.

She's already emailed me and said that if there are any threats or physical violence directed towards her date, then none of us will live very long.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lily Powell- LilyOfTheOffice-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Warning**_

You're probably unaware of this because you usually are, but Mikey emailed Greg. She's planning on coming to the family reunion.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lily Powell- LilyOfTheOffice-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Warning**_

She can't go to the reunion. The base doctor's not gonna give her permission.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. J Fraiser- GetNoRespect-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Mikey**_

Did you tell Mikey that she could go to her family reunion this weekend? Because she certainly thinks she's gonna go.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. J Fraiser- GetNoRespect-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Mikey**_

Yes, I told Mikey that she could go and the only reason I told her that was because Major Davis will be going with her and has promised me on penalty of his own life that he won't let her be too active.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. J Fraiser- GetNoRespect-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Mikey**_

You're kidding right? Doc, this is the type of family reunion where people break bones, shatter vertebrae, and occasionally overdose on salsa and hot dogs.

Anyway, trying to keep Mikey out of the traditional O'Neill/Powell/Farrell/Benton/Alvarez tackle football game is gonna be like trying to stop a run away train with Saran wrap.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. J Fraiser- GetNoRespect-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Mikey**_

Colonel, I don't think Mikey's going to be doing much of anything this weekend. She promised me that the most activity she'd do was reaching for a margarita. I'm inclined to believe her.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. J Fraiser- GetNoRespect-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Question**_

Fine, but do you want to tell me how I'm gonna break this news to Carter?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. J Fraiser- GetNoRespect-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Answer**_

Very carefully. If you're lucky she'll still go with you.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. J Fraiser- GetNoRespect-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Bad answer**_

Why does everyone assume that I _want _Carter to go with me to this reunion? Hell, _I_ don't even want to go to this reunion.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. J Fraiser- GetNoRespect-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Better answer than you should have gotten**_

Request permission to speak freely about a senior officer.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. J Fraiser- GetNoRespect-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

This is an email. You don't have to ask permission.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. J Fraiser- GetNoRespect-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: None**_

Don't be an idiot. You like her, so suck it up and go tell her that you want to take her and then get down on your knees and beg. I have to go make sure that Siler doesn't bleed to death now.


	16. 16

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Whoo!**_

So… what happened? Did he get down on his knees? Did he beg? Was it cute? Janet told me he got down on his knees. You know he has bad knees, so you better have appreciated it.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Whoo!**_

No, he didn't get down on his knees. He came into my lab, told me that you had permission to go to the reunion, said it would be boring without me and that I needed to get out more and then just sat there, staring at me.

I said yes.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Sweet!**_

Bring a dress. Because we have a party at McFerrin's Bar & Grill on Saturday night and then we dance like mad chickens.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: How sweet is sweet!**_

Mad chickens?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: It's very, very sweet**_

It's a term and it's not supposed to make sense.

PMS: Don't forget a dress

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Not as sweet as sweet**_

Good, because it doesn't. Neither does PMS.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Sweeter-ation!**_

Like I said, IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TOO!

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, you've reached the answering machine of Mikey Benton. I'm not answering the phone because I don't want to talk to you.**_

"_**If this is a tele-marketer, I hope you get eaten by a herd of cannibalistic lawyers.**_

"_**If this is any of my relatives, I'm not married yet and if you don't leave me alone, I'm not getting married.**_

"_**If this is my boyfriend, I'm with my other boyfriend.**_

"_**If this is the pastor from my church, sorry Pastor Phil, the Devil made me do it.**_

"_**If this is work, I died.**_

"_**If this is anyone else, please leave your name and number and one of the little voices in my head will take a message and make me call you back."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Yo, Mikey! Pick up your phone, babe… Mikey!"

"Unnhhh, what?!"

"Where are you?"

"In the shower, Aunt Lily."

"Why do you have your phone in the shower?"

"Because I figure it's as good a place as any to have it."

"I bet you're in bed watching _NCIS_."

"Not really. I'm actually on the couch."

"Same difference. Tell me about Jack's date."

"He's your brother. You ask him."

"Oh, like he's gonna tell me."

"I'm no telling you about Jack's date, Aunt Lily."

"Would you date her?"

"Like if I swung that way or if I was a guy?"

"If you were a guy,"

"Uh, yeah, I guess."

"Okay then, that's good enough for me."

"That's it? That's why you called?"

"Actually, I called to find out about your date. What's his name?"

"Paul."

"What does he do?"

"He's the political liaison between Cheyenne Mountain and the Pentagon."

"How old?"

"Thirty-five."

"Married?"

"Um, I'm dating him."

"Yeah, so?"

"Great, impugn my honor, why don't you, Aunt Lil."

"So, he's not hitched?"

"No!"

"How long have you been dating?"

"Five months."

"Where'd you meet him?"

"Washington."

"What were you doing in Washington?"

"Paperwork."

"For?"

"The base."

"Tell me in excruciating detail exactly how you two met for the first time."

"Excruciating detail?"

"Excruciating."

"Fine. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt because I was expecting to be able to take a nap at my hotel before I got dragged over to the Ring."

"Was it your 'talk to me and die' t-shirt?"

"I don't have a 'talk to me and die' t-shirt."

"Yes, you do. It's the black one from when you dressed up like the Punisher to take Gary trick or treating. It was the night you got phone numbers instead of candy."

"No, it wasn't that one. It was the blue one that Shane got me that says 'Yes, in fact it does hurt when I smile'."

"Charming."

"I try. So, I was already in a bad mood when I met him because I was tired, and I didn't have my dress uniform on. And then Paul ran me over."

"He what?"

"He hit me with an office door. It was like a romantic comedy gone terribly wrong. Except for the part where I was knocked unconscious. That part sucked."

"I can see where it might."

"And then I woke up and he was sitting next to the Infirmary bed, doing paperwork."

"Wow, they're usually sitting beside the bed with roses."

"Well, he was doing paperwork. My paperwork, to be more precise."

"For what?"

"Well, I had a concussion and he was doing the medical release forms. Only, he was on the phone to Jack."

"Yikes."

"Jack was alternating between reaming him out for letting me get hit by the door and giving him my medical info. He never actually told Jack that he was the one who beaned me with the door."

"And?"

"And I got released from the Infirmary, managed a woozy interview with some two-star general and went home."

"Yeah, but how did you start dating?"

"Paul emailed General Hammond to ask for my email so he could apologize. It kinda went from there."

"Is that it?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, that's all I wanted to know."

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"That noise in the background."

"HI, MIKE!"

"Hi, Uncle Wyatt."

"What's up?"

"Oh, not much. Aunt Lily, I'd like an accurate count of the number of people who just heard that story."

"Um, let's see, seven, eight. Nine if you count the dog."

"Uh-huh."

"See you this weekend, kiddo."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Love and Death**_

I'm going to kill my family. Except for you… and maybe Shane.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Love and Death**_

You're bring the Percocet this weekend, right?


	17. 17

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Are you gonna kill me?**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Are you gonna kill me?**_

That's your message? The title of your email? Boy, and here I thought your social skills were improving. Of course, I'm not going to kill you. Why would I kill you?

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, you've reached Lieutenant Benton's cell. If you prefer a more acerbic message, dial my home phone. If you don't know that number, I'm not giving it to you. Have a nice day and I'll get back to you when I feel like it. If I feel like it. Actually, come to think of it, don't expect a call back."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"I can't go. So I figured I'd--"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T GO!?"

"Yeah, I knew that'd get you to answer the phone."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Um, no, not really."

"PAUL!"

"It's not me! Do you want to call my CO and yell at him about it?"

"Yes! I do! Give me his phone number!"

"Okay, that's not going to happen. Look, I'm ten feet away from getting on a plane to Russia. Are you going to forgive me?"

"You're abandoning me to my family! And now, I'm dateless!"

"Seven feet from the plane. Is there going to be forgiveness anytime soon?"

"No! It's not!"

"Three feet. Look, babe, I'm sorry, but I really don't have a choice."

"I'm going to ask Siler if he wants to go away this weekend with me."

"You wouldn't."

"Darling, you're dating me and you're well aware of what I'm capable of. Have fun in the land of vodka and Stalin."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Paul**_

He's ditching me. He's ditching me to go Russia and hang out with politicians. I am now officially dateless.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Paul**_

Ask Daniel.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Paul**_

He's going with Paul to Russia. I'm a loser.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Paul**_

You're not a loser. A little odd, but definitely not a loser. It's not the end of the world if you show up without a date. What about Teal'c?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Paul**_

NOT THE END OF THE WORLD? HELL, YES, IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! DO YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I SHOW UP DATELESS? ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE!

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Paul**_

The Percocet isn't really working for you, is it?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Date me**_

Congratulations! You have been selected to go to my family reunion with me this year. Your name is Major Paul Davis and you're straighter than a ruler. You think I'm the best girlfriend in the world and if the occasion comes up where you are forced to kiss me, you will suck it up and be a man.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Date you….**_

Oooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy. Am I getting anything out of this weekend other than the possibility of kissing a girl? Because the therapy's gonna cost you.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Date me, you're darn tootin'**_

My cousin Shane. He's cute, single, an arson investigator/firefighter, and he's as gay as a rainbow full of Care Bears.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Yikes**_

Since the prospect of dating the hot new marine is on the back-burner because he's at the Alpha site, I'll bite.

And your cousin _better_ be cute.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: All better**_

Okay, it's all taken care of. I have a date for this weekend, a new prescription for Percocet, the dog that I hit has been returned to her family, and no sign of Ben.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: All better**_

Would this date have anything to go with the fact that Major Dawson just walked past my office singing, "Great Balls of Fire"?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: All better**_

It might. GTG, the X-Files is on.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Sgt. N Siler- WrenchMan-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Subterfuge**_

If Major Davis asks, we spent a romantic weekend in Denver.


	18. 18

"**Yo! It's Shane. I'm probably off playing with matches right now. Leave a-."**

"Hello?"

"Hey, Shane!"

"Hey, Mike-Strike."

"I can't believe you still call me that."

"Well, it's kind of hard to forget when your favorite cousin sets fire to a three tier birthday cake."

"I still don't see how you came up with Mike-Strike."

"Strike. Like striking matches."

"Hmm, very clever. Amusing, even. Hah-hah."

"What's with the sarcasm?"

"I'm in a mood."

"And you called to talk to your favorite cousin who doubles as your shrink?"

"You're weird."

"So I've been told. What's up?"

"Paul isn't coming this weekend."

"You're kidding, right? The family's ready to turn this reunion into a surprise wedding."

"I know. Your mom keeps putting my calls on speakerphone."

"Yeah, I was there for the 'when Mikey met Paul' one."

"So, what're you gonna do?"

"Oh, I'm bringing Harri."

"Who's Harri?"

"Major Harrison Dawson. Card-carrying member of the 'Queer as Folk' fan club."

"And what's showing up with a gay guy gonna accomplish?"

"Well, _you're _gonna get a date out of it. And the family is hopefully not going to string me up."

"Uh-huh. Is this going to turn into one of the plans like you had at the reunion four years ago where I got arrested?"

"You didn't get arrested. You were detained for questioning. And if you'd been a better liar, you wouldn't have gotten in trouble."

"_A better liar?_ What was I supposed to lie about exactly? I was standing there with a chicken under one arm and a cow in the other. The evidence kind of spoke for itself."

"You could have pretended to be sleep-walking."

"I wouldn't have had to pretend or lie about anything if you hadn't abandoned me the moment the squad cars showed up."

"It's not my fault you stepped on that cow's foot and it freaked out."

"Oh, well, pardon me for not being adept at stealing farm animals."

"We weren't stealing. We were borrowing them. And it was just long enough to get them into Jack's room. I don't even know how those people noticed how a cow was missing anyway. They had like a million."

"Fine. I give up. What's this date plan?"

"Harri's gonna pretend to be Paul. Then you get him."

"I _get_ him?"

"Yes."

"And when you say 'get him,' you of course mean…"

"That I'll vanish with Jack and his date and you're perfectly capable of entertaining yourself after that."

"Does this guy know he's being used as livestock?"

"Livestock is such a pioneer word. I prefer the term 'tradable commodity'."

"Uh-huh. Is that him I hear in the background?"

"Yeah. He's searching through my closet for any clothes that I may have borrowed and refused to return."

"You still do that?"

"Sure. Got any new shirts?"

"Not that you're getting your grubby hands on."

"Hang on, Shane. Here, Harri. You talk to him and I'll find your darn shirt…… um, hello?"

"Hi."

"I'm Harri."

"Shane. So, uh, what shirt did she steal?"

"My John Elway Super Bowl jersey."

"Good luck getting that back. She borrowed my Jack Tatum jersey when she was eleven."

"It'd probably just be easier to get a new one. So, you're her cousin?"

"Sort of. Jack became her legal guardian when her parents died fifteen years ago. After that the whole family pretty much adopted her."

"She has her moments. No, Mikey. I don't want to trade my jersey for your 'Hello Kitty' t-shirt."

" 'Hello Kitty' ?"

"A friend got it for her a few weeks ago as a joke. Sometimes she wears it under her uniform."

"I'm having a hard time imagining Mike-Strike in 'Hello Kitty' anything."

"Mike-Strike?"

"My nickname for her."

"Does it have an interesting story behind it?"

"You better believe it."

"Does she hate this story?"

"With a passion."

"Then please do tell."

"Mike's twenty-first birthday. My mom threw one of her infamously huge parties at her house and everyone showed up. Mom baked this massive cake and Mikey decided that she wanted to light the candles. All twenty-one of them. On each tier."

"Tier?"

"My mom's sort of a Martha Stewart type. So, yeah, there were three tiers. All extravagantly decorated."

"Just out of curiosity, was Mikey drunk when she attempted this?"

"Surprisingly… no."

"That is surprising. Continue."

"So, she gets the lighter from my Dad who, I might add, only carries Zippos."

"I'm sensing trouble."

"Good guess because that's when the bird showed up."

"Bird?"

"A blue-jay to be more precise. The party was outside and this one took particular offense to Mikey's presence and dive-bombed her. Naturally, Mikey drops the lighter onto the top tier."

"How did that catch the whole cake on fire?"

"Well, it wasn't at first. Only the top part with the edible flowers was burning so Mikey grabbed a glass of water to put it out."

"Oh, boy."

"I can tell you have an idea of what's going to happen next. You'd be right. She grabbed my Dad's glass of tequila and threw it on the cake. And suddenly we had charred birthday cake."

"Nice."

"She burned a hole in my Mom's kitchen table."

"Sorry."

"It's okay. The fire department showed up because the little lady next door called them and said she'd just seen a fireball at the neighbors. The guys at the station have Mikey on their wall of fame."

"They took pictures?"

"My mom took pictures and distributed them."

"Hang on, Shane. No, Mikey I don't want your Aerosmith concert tee either. How do you find anything in that closet anyway?"

"Huh? Oh, crap. Harri?"

"Yeah?"

"Gotta go. Blaze downtown."

"Okay, well, it was nice to talk to you. I guess I'll see you later."

"Get my number from Mikey. Bye."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Reunion**_

Okay, crisis averted. Harri's going to pretend to be Paul.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Reunion**_

What're you crazy? You cannot take Dawson to the family reunion and pass him off as your boyfriend. What would his girlfriend say about that?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Reunion**_

I resent the implication that I am not in complete control of my faculties. And what girlfriend are you talking about? Harri doesn't have a girlfriend.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Reunion**_

Some of the guys in the locker room were talking about Dawson's girlfriend and how she's on SG6. Which is weird because

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, you've reached the answering machine of Mikey Benton. I'm not answering the phone because I don't want to talk to you.**_

"_**If this is a tele-marketer, I hope you get eaten by a herd of cannibalistic lawyers.**_

"_**If this is any of my relatives, I'm not married yet and if you don't leave me alone, I'm not getting married.**_

"_**If this is my boyfriend, I'm with my other boyfriend.**_

"_**If this is the pastor from my church, sorry Pastor Phil, the Devil made me do it.**_

"_**If this is work, I died.**_

"_**If this is anyone else, please leave your name and number and one of the little voices in my head will take a message and make me call you back."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Mikey."

"Hi, Jack. Catch on yet?"

"Uh-huh."

"Good. So, now you don't have to freak out when I say that Harri's spending the night."

"I'm going to go have Jell-O right now."

"Good for you. Denial's always the first step."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Got your email address too**_

Does Colonel O'Neill know you're gay?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Good**_

He's the first one I came out too.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Seriousness**_

So, he's not one of those close-minded military guys who'd rather shoot me than deal with the fact that I'm gay?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Calm down**_

No. The only way he's gonna do anything to you is if you mess with Mikey. And since you think I'm cuter than her, there's really not a problem there. Plus I figured that if I came out to Uncle Jack first and he didn't kill me then the rest of the family wouldn't have a problem with it.

And with those words of wisdom, I must go because we're getting a call-out.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Shane**_

He fights a lot of fires, doesn't he?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Shane**_

Sometimes 'fighting fires' is code for 'one-of-the-morons-that-I-work-with-is-trying-to-cook-dinner-instead-of-being-normal-and-I'm-gonna-call-out-for-pizza-while-the-rest-of-my-team-tries-to-keep-the-oven-from-exploding.'

GTG, Alyssa's helping me pick out a comfortable dress that's both attractive and that's easy to get over my bandage.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Dress?**_

I've never seen you in a dress before.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Dress?**_

Well, it's your lucky weekend. I might also wear earrings and high heels. There may even be makeup.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Dress?**_

Okay, the heels I definitely want to see. The makeup? Frankly, I think you're prettier with out it.

Anyway, GTG, I'm heading to P-whatever. Have fun clothes choosing.


	19. 19

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: J'aime vous taquiner**_

Siler et moi sont dans Vegas. Nous avons decide de sauter la reunion et d'aller directement au marriage. Nous pouvons plus ne nier nos coeurs. Nous obtenons nous sommes maries par Dolly Parton et un Elvis miniature.

Amour, Michaela

PS: You might need to run this through a translator

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Maniere drole de la montrer**_

Mordez-moi.

Amour, Paul

PS: You don't need a translator for that one.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Paul**_

He's being mean.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Paul**_

Do you deserve it?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Paul**_

Maybe.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Col. J O'Neill- HockeyIsLife-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Paul**_

Then this is me not getting in the middle of you two.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Paperwork**_

Where's my paperwork on P8V-028? It's buried somewhere and the cute little sergeant that's taken over for you during your injury period is completely hopeless when it comes to figuring out your system.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Paperwork**_

I have no system. I just put crap wherever and then miraculously remember where I put stuff.

As for your notes, well, they're at the bottom of the stack in my in-box where you left them three weeks ago.

I'm sure Sgt. Hart's just nervous.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Paperwork**_

She hasn't figure out how to work your computer yet.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Paperwork**_

Well, she's only an archaeologist and she can't be as perfect as me.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Paperwork**_

As perfect as you? Hah! You're the woman who single-handedly wiped out a Pentagon inspection team with canopic jars.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Paperwork**_

That was Jack. And just because I know you'll choke on your tongue when I tell you this, we were playing catch with them.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Paperwork**_

You're injured. You're easy prey. I'll find you.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Paperwork**_

You sound like Ben.

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, you've reached the answering machine of Mikey Benton. I'm not answering the phone because I don't want to talk to you.**_

"_**If this is a tele-marketer, I hope you get eaten by a herd of cannibalistic lawyers.**_

"_**If this is any of my relatives, I'm not married yet and if you don't leave me alone, I'm not getting married.**_

"_**If this is my boyfriend, I'm with my other boyfriend.**_

"_**If this is the pastor from my church, sorry Pastor Phil, the Devil made me do it.**_

"_**If this is work, I died.**_

"_**If this is anyone else, please leave your name and number and one of the little voices in my head will take a message and make me call you back."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Hello?"

"Mikey."

"Daniel?"

"Unless you know of another Daniel who calls you at ten-thirty at night."

"Uhhh, why can't you just be normal?"

"Because?"

"Will you just choose one already?"

"One what? Aaargh, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Form of communication. Either we're going to talk on the phone or we're going to email each other. Not both at the same time!"

"I'm not emailing you."

"Yes, you are! I just told you about the time Jack and I were playing catch with the canopic jars."

"That was you?"

"Uhhh, yes."

"Well, it wasn't me talking to you."

"Then… oh, crap of all crap."

"What?"

"It's Ben. He's in the base system and he's hijacking email addresses."

"Okay, I want you to hang up, lock all your doors and windows. I'll call Jack. Don't open the door unless it's one of us."

"Well, thank you, Officer Safety."

"Do it."

"Doing it."

_**-CLICK-**_


	20. 20

"_**Yo, it's Shane. I'm probably off playing with matches right now. Leave a message and if I'm not in jail, I'll call you back. Oh, and if this is my mother, I'm not going out on a blind date with some guy that you work with. I already have Mikey playing pimp for me. And if this is Uncle Jack, I told you North Carolina was going to lose."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Hey, Shane, it's Harri. Listen, I need-"

"A sleeping pill?"

"Oh hey, you're there."

"Just walked in the door. What's your excuse for being awake at… two-thirty in the morning?"

"Sleepover at Mikey's."

"Fun. What d'you need?"

"Stories."

"What, like bedtime stories?"

"No, like embarrassing stories."

"Ah, I think I'm catching on."

"God, I hope so."

"So, should these embarrassing stories involve Mikey?"

"As embarrassing as possible, please."

"Why the sudden need for vengeance?"

"She's telling your uncle all the amusing and sordid details of my first forays into homosexuality."

"Ouch."

"And that's why I need ammunition."

"Well, for one, Mikey is a recovering streaker."

"What? Like those morons at Mariners games?"

"Ehh, don't tell me you like the Mariners."

"Die-hard fan."

"Well, I'll work on that."

"You're not gonna change my mind, Shane."

"We'll see about that. So, back to Mikey. When she was little, she used to run through the house yelling that she was the Naked Power Ranger. She would do this until Jack could catch her and make her put some clothes on. Which, usually, took hours."

"The Naked Power Ranger?"

"One time she actually got out of the house and ran around the cul-de-sac, screaming it at the top of her lungs."

"Naked."

"Well, she had a thing for wearing bows in her hair."

"Naked with a bow."

"A pink bow. Don't forget the pink part."

"Mikey wore pink?"

"That was Mikey."

"So, she had a thing for nudity and pink?"

"Still does if the rumors from McFerrins are to be believed."

"Okay, I think that gives me sufficient firepower for now."

"You have fun with that. I'm gonna go crawl in bed."

"Sweet dreams."

"I think they will be now."

"G'night, Shane."

"G'night, Harri."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, you've reached the answering machine of Mikey Benton. I'm not answering the phone because I don't want to talk to you.**_

"_**If this is a tele-marketer, I hope you get eaten by a herd of cannibalistic lawyers.**_

"_**If this is any of my relatives, I'm not married yet and if you don't leave me alone, I'm not getting married.**_

"_**If this is my boyfriend, I'm with my other boyfriend.**_

"_**If this is the pastor from my church, sorry Pastor Phil, the Devil made me do it.**_

"_**If this is work, I died.**_

"_**If this is anyone else, please leave your name and number and one of the little voices in my head will take a message and make me call you back."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Hello, Michaela. This is Ben. I just wanted you to know that I'll see you in Denver."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Detective Greg Farrell- DetectiveFarrell-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: No, I won't and you can't make me**_

Jack is going to call you and no matter what he says, you will not go along with, do you understand me? You will not go along with him if you ever want to see that favorite pair of sneakers of yours again. You will tell Jack to go to a very, very hot place and never to speak to you again. Got it?

Later, when I have stopped being lazy, I will send you a picture of me and the tennis shoes with a Zippo lighter held menacing close to the soles of the shoes.

Consider this your ransom demand.

Love, Mikey.

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, you've reached the voice-mail of…"**_

"Detective Farrell here."

"Hey, Greg."

"Jack, what's up?"

"Mikey."

"As usual."

"She's got a bit of a problem that doesn't really need to be aired to the rest of the family."

"Her stalker?"

"How… never mind. Yeah, him."

"I've got a buddy in the Colorado Springs Police Department. He called me when the report came through."

"Report?"

"Mikey filed for a restraining order."

"Oh, right. That. Yeah, she's not going anywhere on her own when we get up to Denver. The guy just left a message on her machine saying he was gonna see her up there."

"Damn."

"Yeah, he's a little unhinged."

"And your guys can't find him."

"He's an IT guy. He can cover his tracks just about anywhere, at least electronically."

"So, you're at Mikey's right now?"

"Until Carter comes by in the morning to spell me."

"This the lady you're bringing to the family reunion?"

"Yeah."

"Hmmm. So, what's your take on Mikey's boyfriend?"

"He's a bureaucrat."

"And?"

"He's all right."

"Was that so hard?"

"Get off the phone, Mikey."

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaa."

_**-CLICK-**_

"I see she's reverted to her first grade years."

"Yeah."

"Okay, then I'll keep an eye out for the guy."

"Thanks."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Be my Accomplice**_

Meet me at the gas station down the block from my apartment. And wear black.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: No, I don't wanna be your accomplice**_

Now what, 007?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Sure ya do**_

We're going after Ben.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: No, I really don't**_

What are you, flipped? We can't go after Ben. For one, I'm currently on a date, and two, you're injured. Then there's the whole Colonel O'Neill finding out I helped you and skinning me alive and then there's a whole bunch of other things that I can't think about because I'm very sensitive to violence.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Flipped! You bet I am**_

I know where he is and I'm going there with or without you.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Sgt. A Lewis- NurseSpaz-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Flipped! I bet you are**_

Okay, okay. I'll meet you there. Just don't do anything stupid until I get there.

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, this is the home of one of the most beautiful, sexy, and lovable woman in the entire world. That's right, gentlemen, it's my best friend, the one and the only, Alyssa. Say hello, darling."**_

"_**Hi. Mikey, give me that, it's not a toy."**_

"_**Shhh. So, she's available, gorgeous and perfect in every way and she's waiting for Prince Charming to come sweep her off her feet. If you're not Prince Charming, then just leave a normal boring message. If you are Prince Charming, I'm gonna need stats before I decided if you're allowed to date her. Say, something nice, Lisk."**_

"_**My best friend is completely insane. And please leave your name and number after the tone."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Hey, Lisk, it's Mikey. Guess you're not home so I'll ask your answering machine. What do you think about the blue dress with the halter-neck? For the bar, I mean.

"Harri won't give me his opinion because Jack's here and he's afraid of doing anything that we normally do because he thinks Jack'll think he's a fruit basket. Which he is. Oh, don't stick your tongue out at me, you big Care Bear lover. Sorry, babe, that was at Harri, not you. I know you have a fear of big smiling animals with rainbows on their tummies.

"So, call me back when you get this message and tell me what you think. Love, ya, doll."

**-CLICK-**


	21. 21

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Where are they?**_

Where are my heels?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Where are they?**_

Well, I'm hoping that they're still attached to your feet.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Up yours**_

Harde-friggin-har. You're really funny. The black ones with the shiny stuff on the straps. Tell me where they are or I'll destroy all of your _Prison Break_ DVD's.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Bite me**_

You mean the DVD's that are sitting on top of my entertainment center?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: A-screw-a you**_

I'll tear up your autographed picture of the Fab Five.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: No, thanks. I'm gay.**_

I don't have one.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Yes. Yes, you are.**_

I'll get one and tear it up, thinking nasty thoughts about you the entire time.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Yes. Yes, I am.**_

I'm pretty sure they're under the edge of your bed where you kicked them off last night. You know, you wouldn't be this bitchy if you were a lesbian.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. H Dawson- MajorStud-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

Yes, I would.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lily Powell- LilyOfTheOffice-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Michaela**_

Hello, Paul. My name is Lily Powell and I'm Mikey's aunt. I just wanted to let you know that we're looking forward to meeting you this weekend.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Detective Greg Farrell- DetectiveFarrell-at-DenverPD-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Mikey**_

I'm a detective with the Denver PD. My badge number is 8364921839. If you hurt Mikey in any way, they will find it stamped onto the forehead of your cold dead body.

So, who do you think is going to the Super Bowl this year?

_**(&)**_

"_**Hello. You've reached Major Paul Davis. I'm currently away from my phone so please leave your name, number and a message and I'll call you back as soon as I can."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Paul, Frank Farrell here. I understand that you're escorting my little niece to our family reunion this weekend. That's good news.

"But remember that the last guy she brought to a reunion still goes in for weekly therapy sessions.

"You have a nice day now."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

"_**Hello, you've reached Major Paul Davis. I'm currently away from my phone so please leave your name, number and a message and I'll call you back as soon as I can."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Paul, it's Shane. I need you to call Mikey and tell her that it was Burt Reynolds in the original _Longest Yard_ and not James Caan. He was in _Brian's Song_.

"So, yeah. Call her and tell her that."

_**(&)**_

"_**Hello. You've reached Major Paul Davis. I'm currently away from my phone so please leave your name, number and a message and I'll call you back as soon as I can."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Paul. Kevin Farrell. I'm Mikey's cousin. I think that pretty much sums it up."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Danni- dAlvarez-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Mikey**_

Less than five minutes ago, I was informed that you're my cousin's boyfriend. Good for you. She needs someone to keep her in line every now and then. Just a few helpful hints for when dealing with the family.

Don't flinch when Greg walks up to you. He's about 6'4, 6'6 if he's standing up straight. He's actually a teddy bear. Just don't hug him.

If they offer you beer, drink it. It'll help the pain go away. And yes, there will be pain. Our family reunion is infamous for broken bones, concussions, stitches and the occasional dismembered toe. Although that was only once and Alex only walks with a little bit of a limp. Have Mikey tell you the whole story.

Don't pinch Frank's kid's cheeks. They bite. It's happened. Believe me.

The O'Neill, Powell, Farrell, and Alvarez men can smell fear.

No loud sounds around Frank Farrell. His wife's pregnant and every time he hears something that sounds even remotely like a screech, he thinks that she's going into labor.

Mikey is a lovey drunk. So lovey, in fact, that last year, she experienced her first girl on girl kiss because someone she was drunkenly flirting with mistook it for a come-on. Just to warn you, you might have to keep her on a leash when we're at McFerrin's.

That just about covers it.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: What did you do?**_

Paul's sitting across from me in a meeting. He looks terrified every time his blackberry vibrates.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Who said I did it?**_

Jack sent the family Paul's email address and cell number.

Oops, gotta go, the _Young and the Restless_ is back on.


	22. 22

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Revenge is a dish best served electronically**_

This is Jack's personal email address: ColonelGrumpy-at-hotmail-dot-com

Mikey set it up for him, thus the name. Now, I'm told by someone who may or may not be sitting on the couch watching soap operas, that you have some single lady friends in Washington. Think they'd like to get in contact with a single, older military officer?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. D Jackson-CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Suspicions abound**_

Why does she want to help me? I'm not exactly on her favorite's list because of the whole reunion thing.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Suspicions abound**_

Mikey's an equal opportunity tormentor. Plus, she's bored.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lynn Cameron- RingGirl-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Kevin Lake- GovernmentStooge-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Jack Olette- GuardGuy-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Eric Burrows- Spooky-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Detective Lance Grant- DetectiveGrant-at-NYPD-dot-com**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Fun**_

Remember that time back in college when you guys got hold of Professor Allen's email address and sent it out to all your single friends along with a picture of a bodybuilder?

Well, I have a mission for you.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Witness Protection**_

What are the odds that Colonel O'Neill can trace this to me?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Witness Protection**_

Very unlikely, because he'll be thinking that Mikey did it.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Dr. D Jackson- CoffeeMaster-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Our dastardly plan, well, more mine than yours, although you are an accomplice**_

Did he go for it?

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, you've reached the answering machine of Mikey Benton. I'm not answering the phone because-"**_

"NO! I DO NOT WANT TO CHANGE MY LONG DISTANCE CARRIER! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Okay…that's…good, because I wasn't going to offer to change your long distance carrier."

"Oh, hi, Daniel."

"Hello, Michaela."

"Ugghh, now what did I do?"

"Where are my translations for P3V-542?"

"Huh?"

"The one with the people who eat lizards twice a day?"

"Oh, uh, middle drawer on the left, third file from the bottom."

"This would be a whole lot easier if you just used the file cabinet."

"Daniel, you know I am alpha-numerically challenged."

"I'm thinking more along the lines of just plain ol' challenged."

"Ah-heh. Bite me."

"I'll leave that up to Paul."

"Wow."

"What?"

"That's the first blatantly sexual remark I've heard you say in a long time."

"I've never said anything blatantly sexual to you."

"Yeah, I know. Sad, isn't it?"

"Shut up and go take another Percocet."

"Grouch."

"No, I'm busy. There's a difference."

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Jack O'Neill- ColonelGrumpy-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Liza Justin- OfficeQueen-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Nice to meet you**_

Hi, I'm pretty sure that you don't know me, but my name's Liza Justin. I got your email address through a friend who suggested that we'd get along.

So, next time you're in Washington… look me up. Or you could, you know, call.

309-195-1846.

Have a nice day.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Jack O'Neill- ColonelGrumpy-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Polly Patterson- Pollyana-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Hi**_

I don't usually do stuff like this, but I got your email address from a friend and I was just wondering if you'd like to get a cup of coffee sometime.

Email me back. ;)

_**(&)**_

_**To: Jack O'Neill- ColonelGrumpy-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Detective Francie Neil- DetectiveNeil-at-LAPD-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Hi**_

A friend recently passed on this email address on to me. Being a police officer I feel the need to warn you that this friend passed your email address out to everyone in her address book and told them to do the same.

She neglected to remember that I'm married. I hope this reaches you while you're still single.

Detective Francie Neil

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, you've-."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Benton residence. I'm currently lying flat on my back with a gaping stomach wound. Tell me something interesting or I'll hang up on you."

"MIKEY!"

"Hi, Jack."

"Don't you act all innocent with me, you little brat."

"Little brat?"

"I'd call you something else, but I'm certain your female sensibilities would be offended."

"I really have no idea what you're talking about."

"I'm sure you don't."

"Putting gum under your truck dashboard when I was seven?"

"No."

"Shooting you in the leg with the BB gun when I was eight?"

"No."

"Breaking every window in the house at least twice from ages nine to eighteen?"

"No."

"Spending the night with my prom date at the park in a completely innocent way and, I repeat, completely innocent way, and not telling you where I was so that you panicked and called the police. Ehh, and then yelled at me when I dragged into the house at oh-eight-hundred the next morning and then almost chewed my ass off in front of three state troopers and two cadaver dogs?"

"No."

"Oh. Uh, biting Greg?"

"No."

"Hmm. Biting Shane?"

"No."

"That time Shane and I crashed your truck into the side of the house?"

"No."

"Look, Uncle Jack, I have a real long list of things that I've done, ranging from slap-on-the-wrist to twenty-five-to-life-in-SingSing. Can you narrow it down?"

"Think about the last five days."

"Blew up a potato in Daniel's office microwave?"

"No."

"Stuck dirty love notes from Carter all over your computer?"

"No."

"Wrote a slightly threatening letter to Senator Kinsey and signed Walter's name on it?"

"No."

"Did it involve strawberry jam in any way? Also possibly involving boysenberry? Jam, I mean?"

"No. It didn't involve jam in any way. You wanna know what you did?"

"Yes, I wanna know."

"You handed my email address out to a bunch of single women."

"Gasp! Shock! Awe! I did?"

"Are you trying to be a brat?"

"No, that comes naturally. Apparently, I inherited it."

"Not from me."

"No, I'm told I got it from Dad's side."

"Yeah, that sounds about right. Now, about this email thing."

"Who says I did it?"

"Well, I don't have exact proof, but your personality fingerprints are all over it."

"Uh-huh. I've hear _that_ stands up in a court of law."

"Who says we're going to court of law?"

"What're you gonna do, Jack? Ground me?"

"Don't tempt me."

"Goodbye, Jack. I have to go finish packing so Harri can drive me to Denver tonight and pretend to be my boyfriend during the day while he makes out with my cousin at night."

"I didn't need that mental picture."

"I could give you another one. Possible involving me and Paul?"

_**-CLICK-**_


	23. 23

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Silence**_

He's not saying anything. We're just sitting here in the car, trying desperately not to look at each other. This is more awkward than the first time that we met.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Silence**_

Poke him. That'll get a rise out of him.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Silence**_

I'm not poking my superior officer.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Silence**_

But today he's not your superior officer. Today, he's your date.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Silence**_

I'm still not poking him.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Silence**_

I'll call him and tell him to initiate conversation if you don't do it first.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Silence**_

All right, all right, I'm initiating, I'm initiating.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lily Powell- LilyOfTheOffice-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Update**_

I might need some of that infamous Powell matchmaking skill this weekend, Aunt Lily. Jack's being a nimrod and not talking to his date.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lily Powell- LilyOfTheOffice-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Re: Update**_

Is that man deliberately obtuse?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lily Powell- LilyOfTheOffice-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Inconceivable**_

No, he's just stupid, Aunt Lily. Anyway, I just messaged to tell you that Jack's being an idiot. Paul and I are heading up right now. And before you say anything, we will NOT get lost.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lily Powell- LilyOfTheOffice-at-hotmail-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Narf**_

Well, you know my cell number when you do.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Kisses**_

Is he talking yet?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Kisses**_

A grand total of seven words.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Hugs to go along with those kisses**_

Okay, that's it, I'm gonna kick his ass.

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, you've reached Major Samantha Carter. I-"**_

_**-CLICK-**_

"Hello?"

"Let me talk to him."

"Mikey?"

"Give the phone to Jack."

"He's driving."

"Do you want to be the go-between for us?"

"Okay, handing the phone over right now… hello?"

"Jack?"

"Mikey, you do realize that I'm driving, don't you?"

"Okay, what gives, you're talking fine right now."

"Yes, I am. In fact, Carter and I were just talking about you."

"You really need to-, uh, you were talking about me?"

"Did I stutter?"

"But I thought…"

"Don't think, Mikey."

"Okay, well, Harri and I are going to be incommunicado for a little while because we just passed a large mall and our shopping senses have been piqued."

"You're gonna be late for Dani's kids' opening ceremony."

"Hah, why do you think we're going shopping?"

"Oh, that's low, Michaela."

"I'm not sitting through another Alvarez and other assorted adopted neighborhood kids extravaganza."

"Why? You didn't like last year's rendition of 'Dancing in the Streets'?"

"Not when I got a face full of glitter during the grand finale."

"Served you right for trying to trip Shane."

"Speaking of serving you right, did you ever find out who sent out your email address to those completely random women?"

"I'd tell you you're going to hell, but I have a feeling that you already know that."

"Love you too, Jack."

_**-CLICK**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Shopping**_

What do you think I should get Aunt Lily as a 'hi-sorry-I-haven't-seen-or-talked-to-you-in-five-months' present?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: By yourself?**_

Personally, I'd tell you to just give her your diary so she can read all the sordid details without harassing you for the first two days of the reunion.

Barring that, she's had her eye on that new Clive Cussler novel.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: No, with my own personal gay man**_

Uh, which one?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: I'm assuming you mean Harri**_

Skeleton Coast. Write it down because I know what your memory is like.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Yes, I'm shopping with Harrison**_

Consider it written down. Now, I need gift ideas for Dani's brood, for your dad, for Uncles Max, Greg, Eric, Frank (and wife), Alex, and Kevin, and for Dani and her husband.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Harrison? As in Ford?**_

Dani's brood- Packs of Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Just don't offer to play, it'll give you a stroke.

My dad- Anything to do with the Denver Broncos. He needs a new coffee mug because Dani's oldest was drinking milk out of it on Monday and had an 'accident.'

Uncle Max- A new Orioles baseball cap. Mom's dog got a hold of the last one.

Uncle Greg- A sense of humor. You'll think of something.

Uncle Eric- The number of a couple of your single female friends who live in Denver. A new fluorescent Guinness sign.

Uncle Kevin- A new Beach Boys Greatest Hits CD. His ex shattered the last one.

Uncle Alex- His DVD collection is still incomplete because he doesn't have the original version of The French Connection.

Uncle Frank (and wife)- Tranquilizers or a new bassinet that isn't frilly. He's pretty adamant about that part. NOT FRILLY!

Danni and husband- You can babysit on Sunday night so that they can have some time alone.

And little old me, who I know you just happened to forget- I want my Jack Tatum jersey back!

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurnin'Love-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: No, as in Bond. Harrison Bond**_

Well, geez, don't make it easy or anything.


	24. 24

"_**Yo, you've reached Shane. I've stopped playing with matches because it turns out that they catch things on fire. If this is my mother, I brushed my teeth this morning and at some point during the day, I'll eat some kind of vegetable. If this is my cousin Mikey, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles can kick the Power Rangers' asses any day of the week. If this is my Uncle Jack, I told you Miami was going to win."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Shane, it's Harri. If you're there, pick up…. Hello? Shane?"

" 'lo?"

"Oh, sorry did I wake you up?"

"Huh? Oh, no, me and a few of the guys are havin' a Halo tournament."

"Video games?"

"Ye- oh, come on, Lance! I had Miller in my sights!"

"Yeah, sounds fascinating, but I'm actually calling for a reason."

"Oh, now my feelings are hurt. You didn't call to just hear the sound of my voice. Gimme a second. Boys, feel free to shoot me if you can find me. All right, Harri, I'm all yours."

"Interesting concept."

"So, you called just to flirt?"

"We're lost."

"Hah, you let Mikey have the map, didn't you?"

"Well, it was kind of hard to drive and look at the map at the same time."

"She gets lost in Walmart."

"Believe me, Shane, I know. If I tell you where we are, can you tell me where we made the wrong turn at?"

"I can try, but I'm not guaranteeing anything."

"We're just outside of a place called Harrisburg."

"Okay, okay, I know where that is. You're not too far off-course. Um, if I remember correctly, you should be able to backtrack and find the freeway."

"Just backtrack?"

"Yep."

"Oh, thank God, because from the looks of this town, if we keep going, we're going to have a Deliverance moment."

"You have something against squealing like a pig?"

"Uh, I… uh, I-I-I…"

"Harri?"

"No, this is Mikey. You seem to have given Harri a stroke. What'd you say?"

"Nothing I'm repeating to you."

"Oh, so it was dirty gay man talk."

"Something like that."

"Okay, well, in that case, I'll just go wheedle it out of Harri."

"Wait, Mi-!"

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Wyatt Powell- WyattPowell-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Me**_

If Aunt Lily asks, we didn't get lost. We just took an impromptu detour.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Wyatt Powell- WyattPowell-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: You**_

You got lost, didn't you?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Wyatt Powell- WyattPowell-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Me again**_

Oh, yeah.

_**(&)**_

"_**This is Shane. I've stopped playing with matches because it turns out they catch things on fire. If this is my mother, I brushed my teeth this morning and at some point during the day, I'll eat some kind of vegetable. If this is my cousin Mikey, the Ninja Turtles can kick the Power Rangers' asses any day of the week. If this is Uncle Jack, I told you Miami was going to win."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Hello, Shane, it's your mother. Since you don't have a date for our party at McFerrin's on Saturday night, I told Derrick to meet us there. He's a lovely young man. I just thought I'd tell you so that it wasn't a total surprise. He's been with the company for-"

"What do you mean a total surprise? My mother attempting to set me up? How is that surprising?"

"Oh, so you're screening your calls now?"

"Just when you call, Mom."

"Oh, that's a great attitude to have towards your mother."

"Mom, why do you do this to me?"

"Because I don't have a daughter."

"Oh, great. Now, it's my fault because I'm not a chick."

"Well, when you say it like that..."

"Okay, I get the point, Ma. So, you told this Derrick guy to meet us at McFerrin's?"

"Yes, and he sounded thrilled. Apparently, he hasn't had a date for quite some time."

"Oh, boy,"

"Now, I know what you're thinking."

"Mom, what I'm thinking involves a lot of graphic violence."

"Okay, so maybe not exactly what you're thinking."

"Mom, I have to go. I have some files to go over and half a bag of M&M's to kill."

"You're not stress-eating, are you?"

"Good-bye, Mother."

"Because all that chocolate isn't good for you. Mary from the book club-"

_**-CLICK-**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Suicide by Chocolate**_

She set me up.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Can I join you?**_

By 'she' I assume you mean, your mother?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: I'd enjoy the company**_

Who else tries to set me up?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Is this a dark chocolate suicide or a milk chocolate suicide?**_

When you say set up, I'm again assuming that you mean that you now have an unwanted date for this year's family reunion?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Dark chocolate suicide, all the way**_

Some guy she works with named Derrick who apparently hasn't had a date in a really long time.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Dark chocolate suicide with a whipped cream topping, please**_

Oh, dear god, I am so, so, so, so sorry.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: And sprinkles**_

If you'll pardon me, I have to go do something stereotypically homosexual and eat a couple dozen Hershey's bars.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Gracias**_

Thank you so much for dating me.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Gracias**_

What's with the sudden change of heart? Yesterday, you hated me.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Gracias**_

My aunt is on a Matchmaking bender.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Gracias**_

And I should take that as some sort of back-handed compliment?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Gracias**_

Well, you could take it as a front-handed one.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Gracias**_

I love you.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. P Davis- Liaison-at-Ring5-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Re: Gracias**_

I know.

_**(&)**_

"_**Hi, this is the home of one of the most beautiful, sexy, and lovable woman in the entire world. That's right, gentlemen, it's my best friend, the one and the only, Alyssa. Say hello, darling."**_

"_**Hi. Mikey, give me that, it's not a toy."**_

"_**Shhh. So, she's available, gorgeous and perfect in every way and she's waiting for Prince Charming to come sweep her off her feet. If you're not Prince Charming, then just leave a normal boring message. If you are Prince Charming, I'm gonna need stats before I decided if you're allowed to date her. Say, something nice, Lisk."**_

"_**My best friend is completely insane. And please leave your name and number after the tone."**_

_**-BEEP-**_

"Sergeant Lewis, this is Dr. Fraiser. You were scheduled to work the swing shift and you're now an hour late. Lieutenant Brooke can cover for you until tomorrow morning. Please remember to call in if you're unavailable to work."

_**-CLICK-**_


	25. 25

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

Where are you? So far, your cousin's kids have performed 'Surfin' U.S.A.', 'I'm Too Sexy', and 'Walk Like an Egyptian.' Now, they're doing some sort of interpretive dance to 'The William Tell Overture' and they're throwing glitter.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

You thought I was kidding when I said Harri and I were planning on showing up fashionably late, didn't you?

They do this every year. Last year, I inhaled enough sequins to decorate one of Liberace's costumes.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

Chicken.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Maj. S Carter- HarleyGirl-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: None**_

Damn straight.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: 007 time**_

How does Jack look?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: No 007 time**_

In general?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: How 'bout 006 time?**_

With Sammy, you idiot.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Didn't 006 die?**_

By Sammy, I can only assume that you're discussing his date. In that case, he's just sitting there.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: It wouldn't have been a problem if it was 007 time**_

He hasn't put his arm around her?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: I get arrested when we have 007 time**_

No, they're using both arms to fend off the glitter that the Alvarez offspring are throwing. I swear to God that Danni got the stuff in bulk this year.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Then you're not a very good 007**_

How long has the opening ceremony been going on?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Like you're any better**_

Almost an hour

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Hello! Military! Of course I'm better**_

Any sign of it ending soon?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Military doesn't mean shit. You remember Full Metal Jacket?**_

I'm guesstimating that we have maybe another hour to go. Oh, and Terry Jr. and his four brothers are going to sing 'La Vie Boheme,' from Rent. I can't wait to see the family's expressions for that one.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: Military does so mean shit. And Full Metal Jacket sucked**_

Around what time do you think they'll be doing that particular piece of performance art?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: You suck**_

You got two songs to get out of the car, up the front walk, and into the house.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: And your point is…**_

How did you know we're sitting out in the car?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: TMI! TMI!**_

Because it's kind of hard to miss the large black government-esque SUV sitting out in front of Miss Mabel's house.

Harri's pretty cute by the way.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**From: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**Subject: I made my cousin cry**_

Only pretty cute? I am insulted. He would be too if he was awake.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lt. M Benton- DanielsCoffeeGoddess-at-CM-dot-gov**_

_**From: Shane Powell- HunkaHunkaBurninLove-at-hotmail-dot-com**_

_**Subject: Dream on. Last time you made me cry was seventh grade**_

Just shut up and get your butt in here.


End file.
